OUCH

Nice title, right? Friday I was to have dinner w/a close friend but someone needed said friend more so I deferred plus I had alligators biting at work so no harm no foul.

1am Sat night, friend calls freaking out. I go over to friend's house and am there til 5 am. I don't think I helped but maybe I did. I do that sort of stuff for my closest friends. I drop plans for Hawaii and go to Maine for a funeral. My very closest friend's dad died. Hawaii will still be there.

So then I'm scheduled to have lunch with another close friend who texts to tell me their father in ICU with a stroke. I feel so bad. I text back it's OK, do as you need to, I'm here if you need anything. An ear, a shoulder, whatever. The thought of losing one of my parents comes to the forefront again. I'm teary because I love them both very much. That's not enough words but it'll have to do for now.

So then I take dinner to another friend and we talk and ponder and the like. The friend is recovering from a nasty form of crud that is again in NC with various strains hitting people. It's pretty...NOT!!! So we ate, watched football [yes, I wanted to watch more than they did], talked a lot.

So back to the 1st friend. One of the things in life that I admit as much for my own sanity as for any other reason is that I am damaged. I've come along way in my recovery but I'm damaged. I can relate well to damaged people and sometimes I can see when someone who is or was [usually it's 'is' but I digress] thinks they're "all better now" and they're ready to throw themselves back into whatever pool their recovery involved. In my case public places where alcohol and humans mingle. Again, I digress. So one of my beloved friends is dealing, patiently, empathetically, compassionately with another friend and helping said friend thru a very rough path [I don't have details and they're not 1st friend's to share]. The ouch comes when you are either tired of being in ouch-ville, hurting, crying, etc and you just really, really want to re-join the rest of seemingly normal society. So you decide you're ready to do so. Or not.

There's a process and sometimes, especially when it involves ourselves, as with most things, we do NOT see the forest for the trees. We actually think 'oh, I'm fine. I'm good now.' Sometimes you're supposed to relax into it. Sometimes crying it out is a good thing. It gives you one hell of a headache and is not recommended if you need to appear in public public [this doesn't include work] but it is cathartic. Sometimes taking the time to flail before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before sauntering and saunter before running is not only helpful but necessary. Sometimes we think we're ready for the world but we're not and it freaks us out so we run back to the cave/sanctuary and slam the door shut. NOT doing that again, thankyou so much! Yeah, you gotta. However, this time. Peer out first. Observe with new eyes from the 'this is what I think I want to do but I'm not sure yet so let's watch' POV. I will throw self out as an example. Long story short I went thru something rough then decided that just 'getting some' would make me feel better, fix the situation because I'd be 'normal' whatnot. Uh, not so much. It actually pushed me about 6 months back. Fastforward to the 'Ouch'. We get hurt trying to help because part of being a friend involves putting yourself out there. Being a close, great, personal friend involves putting yourself out there and sometimes it tears you apart. It hurts like hell. But like all things, we recover. Sometimes you have to step back, let it air dry, not say or do anything. It will heal, in its own time, its own way. In the meantime, we bear the burden of 'ouch'.