It's Harder Than It Looks Sometimes

OK, so last night I wrote a letter I obviously never intend to send to a guy who I've known since 1992. I've had a thing for him and he for me, on and off, banter and whatnot. We are close friends & yes, that is possible. HOWEVER, as much as I would like to say 'Nope, not waiting on him!' because seriously, I know better, somewhere in my mind, or maybe my heart, I guess I have been. Other people tell me I give excellent advice and I should have been a counselor or something. Sometimes it's harder than it looks. To execute decisions.

Not wanting to date really because what if I'm serious with someone and HE walks in and, and, and....what the hell am I doing? What in hell am I thinking? This is entirely my issue, none of it on him. I believe it's been easier to invest in him because I can't get hurt and yet, I have been hurt, I've been disappointed and I've been surprised at the audacity. Now, it's over. I have given myself permission to cut the ties that bind, to move on, to realize that I am beautiful, smart, articulate, funny, caring, a little zany and 900 other things that any guy with any intelligence and priorities in some kind of order would want.
HE is married to his career and the 'I love you's' are simply words, because no actions have ever proceeded or preceded them! HE doesn't want me enough to do whatever HE must do to make it happen; most men would do that for the woman they supposedly love.

So, I'm done. I know it's not about hurting him because he's been done for a long time! If he is hurting, I don't know about it and it's not my problem.

So, I'm done. Done waiting, done caring, done investing time, energy and whatever else into someone and something that is never going to come. I've done nothing wrong in the whole thing but now I gotta do what is right for me! That would be being done.

Done, off like a prom dress. Done & gone. Ready for love and all of it with someone real who will cherish me and respect me and be there for me in real life in real time. Someone who will be proud and dying to show me off to his friends and I'll want to show him off to mine!

I'm done being scared that I might get hurt because I got hurt and it happened while I was trying to not get hurt. I'm done being afraid of being abandonded. I will always have me and I love me. If someone leaves you or dies, it is for the best because either the lesson, the memories, the whatever's been taught or someone new is coming to fill the space.

I'm done worrying about it because I want to be worry-free and happy, really happy and all of it, in 2009. I am done worrying about the whole damn situation and moving.

I give myself permission to throw the whole kittenkaboodle off a cliff, in the trash, into a fireplace or whatever, just to get it gone!! My heart must be free and I admit I've been a dummy but it's water under the bridge so no beating self up over it. I am free to move on and have all thing love and joy and adventures I am entitled to!!!

Now there's a great start to a new year!! and a new me!!I give myself permission to be done! It's over and I'm done! It's OK for me, myself and I go move on in every way with our life and to be awesome!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done!!! It's not a negative it's a very positive, great, freeing thing!!