Thoughts and ponderings...

Get Smart!

2008-06-30T01:55:00.002-04:00

Normally, as most of you know, I am not a movie person. There are 2 reasons for this. 1) My illness makes me prone to nodding off in dark places and theatres tend to be breeding growns for this! 2) Most movies aren't worth the ticket price.

Recently I went with a friend to a matinee performance/showing of "Get Smart". I am NOT a Steve Carrell fan, at all. He is up there on my list with Will Ferrell of people I can't stomach in anything. Imagine my surprise at "Get Smart". Ann Hathaway is brilliant, as, admittedly, is Steve Carrell. The comic timing and the pace are brilliant. It kept me guessing and laughing from start to finish and I'm blogging about it. Go see this movie. Really. 4 stars!! :p

Days-d & Confused

2008-06-27T01:49:00.002-04:00

OK, so for months, yes months, my mom, God love her, has been telling me about this guy Jason, the son of their church friends. He's very nice and all of it and he's not married...and, would you please just meet him. [If you know my mom you know that is SOOO not a request as much as it's 'you will meet him (dammit)!'] My mother and subtle and Jason's mom and subtle are not friends...they know not subtle-ty as a concept, relative or otherwise.

I digress. A few weeks ago, mom invited the Hughes over for dinner so Jason and I could meet. He is very nice and the 4 parents were trying to give us a chance to get to know each other and whatnot. So mom had suggested to him that he ask me if I'd like to go shoot pool.

We've been out twice, once to this sports bar/pool place where we talked for 4 hours and then to a movie, Get Smart. Hilarious..but I digress.

he's good looking, I'm not in 'hello hot' ville just right now but he's very nice, sweet, not pushing himself on me, we have a lot in common.

So Dave gets a call from Anna, his daughter, then proceeds to, par for Dave, get his undies totally in a wad about Anna being mad at him because he was supposed to be in WI tonight not tomorrow night and he didn't call Anna...and so he blames mom. OK fine. So I'm like 'uh,'...and then Connie, is talking about helping homeless and poor people and I said that I'd never blame my husband for something that was clearly my error. Well it came out like I'd never help homeless or poor people...so Jason starts ribbing me and he's funny so mom, sitting next to him, is laughing til she's tearing up, as am I.

So I said something about payback and he's like 'you're not gonna have too many more opportunities'...and then when Jim, his dad, mentioned my trip to Maine over the 4th, Jason seemed sorta miffed.

So then, when mom & I left, Dave having left before us, mom hugs Connie & Jason, Jim was in bed, then I hugged them both. I feel like there might be something there worth working on. we shall see a person guesses.

Why Is "All Of This" So Hard?

2008-06-24T00:23:00.001-04:00

One of my dearest friends, who is attending both individual and marriage therapy at my urging, asked me this recently. I said,'by "all of this" I assume you mean the work, the digging up hard feelings, hurt feelings, drama, crap, old stuff, etc.?'

She: 'uh, yes'
Me:'Honey, I promise you will be, for better or worse, but most likely better, in a new, better place when all is said and done. I also promise you it will be hard work, it will hurt, it will burn, sting and make you want to just stop. The good about therapy is that once you've started....well, it's kinda like taking all the crap out of your closet, putting it everywhere to sort it into 3 categories and then put it back...only when you put it back you can see it all, find it all and everything actually fits!!!...you can't just stop and decide you're done. Well you can but then you're stuck looking at it and you're missing that space you had bc it's covered by crap you likely don't even remember you had/don't need/doesn't fit.'

I had to remind her of the rule with me: if you want me to tell you what you want to hear, tell me so I can repeat it back to you...if you want the truth, brace yourself and stand back. No, I'm serious.

So, we move on to my mom. Mom is doing amazing, seriously. She has a long, long way to go but she's doing a great job with therapy and the whole thing. So we had therapy last week and she was pouting. She doesn't like her leg brace, which is now off, thank you very much nor does she like the wrist brace, which she was told she could take off after a month..so it is now on part-time only. So she's doing her exercises and we're making the knee flex, the knee cap move. It's pretty cool but it's ridiculous too. So last week we're at her PT appointment and the therapist notices 'hey, youre braces are both off and you're not using the cane!' Mom thinks she's being cool and says something about it rubs and the other 5 excuses she uses. So then she says 'oh so you've been back to the doctor [since last I saw you, 7 days ago]?' Mom:'uh, no' Me:'she's just over it'
Therapist: 'so you're still supposed to be wearing the brace, per dr's orders, until 7/7?'
Mom: 'well, i talked to the dr's office and they said whatever i'm comfortable with.'
Mom thinks that they think less of her because she's 63 and she may 'fall'. I'm like mom, no golf, no moving that joint in that way, no pitching even! The tendon's aren't 100% yet.
GOD BLESS THE THERAPIST FOR SAYING EXSCTLY WHAT I SAID!!! and then when we got home, I made mom repeat it to Dave. I'm not trying to be mean, but I've seen dancers do some small thing they've done 1,000 times that this one time messed them up and threw them off or set them back in their recovery. Mom's getting better at putting the effort into exercising and listening to me. It is hard because you were hit head on and you were hurt in many ways. You are recovering and it's painful...but it'll be worth it when you can golf again.

I once saw an e-mail that talked about a caterpillar and the little boy who tried to help the little thing. Long story short,the caterpillar needs that struggle and the journey of growth in the cocoon before it comes out a butterfly to build strong wings and the whole thing and when the little boy tried to help by breaking the cocoon open, the butterfly was 'free' but it was also inprisoned because it couldn't sustain itself and died shortly thereafter. Things are hard to make us stronger, better...that which does not kill you....

Mine Own 101 List...

2008-06-24T00:21:00.001-04:00

One of my dear friends has created a 101 List and I've decided to do the same. Concrete ideas...with deadlines. Goals. I can do this. I will do this. :)

Watch for it!!

Choosing You.....

2008-06-16T01:47:00.003-04:00

I have 4 interesting situations with the same issue at the heart of each of these unique situations. The same choice must be made in each case.

Case 1: A close friend is just out of college, starting their life/career and they are saddled with new things, responsibilities and family stuff in addition to an interesting situation with a BFF who's out of control, in the context of their relationship. We have been friends for nearly 2 years and you'd think we've know each other since birth...this person has known their BFF for much longer but has run into an issue. The situation was explained to me and I said 'choose you.' This garnered the usual reaction: 'huh? but, wha-? wait choose me?'

Case 2: A mom who's torn in several different directions with regard to family, family-in-law and her immediate needs with her children/husband/life in their home. She told me her whole story and I said, you guessed it, 'choose you.' And again I got: 'huh? but I'm not-' me: 'you're not what? you're not selfish? you can't DO that? that's a dumb option.' her: 'why is that a dumb option? you choose to take care of you and your needs 1st. everything else comes 2nd...it's only hard to do because everyone thinks your choice is 'them or us' and it is NOT. Neither. If your core family and your personal needs are not met, you owe it to yourself, you need to respect yourself enough to put that little foot [she wears like a 5.5 and she's in her 30s] and stand firm. I got the standard silence on the other end of the phone.

Case 3: Person has graduated college with a degree in something useless [I say this because a Bachelor in anything except maybe Business or Finance is useless nowadays] and mom wants him to do one thing, dad another. So he tells me about this business venture he'd like to partake. He has a business plan, financials to do it, the mind for it and the passion for both running the business and doing the thing that the business is about. So I said 'um, choose you.' We're IM'ing. He IMs something:'duh, silly, that's not one of the choices.' So I explain to him what I explained to friends 1 & 2. If your heart is not happy, if you don't put you first, why should anyone else? If you can't manage to honor your wants, needs, your Soul's greatest need, hello?! He's told both his parents what he is doing and oddly they're being supportive [I say oddly because his parents are very starchy, this is how it's done type people. They decided not to "tell him he was gay til he was older" when they saw him secretly busting out Michael Jackson moves in the basement when he was like 9...he's in his late 20s and not at all gay.]

Case 4: I have a friend who's got a child from a previous marriage and he's dating someone with the same. They've been together over a decade, love each other very much. The problem lies in his beloved's child and ex-. His beloved's ex-hubby is for all intents and purposes insane and angry - you know the type...if I can't figure out the Rubix cube o' life and decide to be happy then no one else gets to be happy either. The ex-hubby was totally fine with the divorce 15 years ago...until he wasn't. My friend's been thru 2 deaths in 2007 and an ongoing situation that is emotionally very taxing for him. His beloved tried very hard, when she has the child in question, to be mom & dad. To compensate for her idiot, insane ex-hubby who seriously, except for that he takes his meds 3 or 4 days before court appearance so as to get the requisite sympathy/BS/drama vote from the judge. The fact that he doesn't work because of his 'debilitating illness' despite the fact that millions of americans have the exact same thing or similar and function just fine when their meds are correct doesn't enter the judge's mind apparently. So beloved pays for her ex's life essentially and tries to be both parents. Yeah, that works like 1 person trying to play all 9 positions in a baseball line up at the same time...I've never seen this done well or at all...have you? BUT I DIGRESS. Oh and did I mention the child has issues now as well because beloved has no spine when it comes to the kid....so he comes to me and says 'what would you do? who would you choose?' I said, 'oh that's easy. I'd choose me.' He was silent. "You'd...wait, did you just hear what I told you?" me: 'uh yes, and I am pretty sure the earth is still rotating on its axis.' So, sarcasm aside for a moment or none, I said 'let me clarify for you.' You, as an adult and 1/2 of this romantic/adult couple, have needs and wants, correct? HIM: 'uh yes, but...' me: 'what she heard was [she] has to choose her lover/best friend/SO or her kid. That my friend is NOT the choice. She can't be mom & dad to her child. She can be the best mom she knows to be...and that's it. No guilt, BS or drama. She is a parent, not a friend, buddy, BFF to her kid. Remember when we were kids and our parents put the fear of God in us. We know our parents loved us even on the days we really wanted to wear whatever or do whatever.' HIM: "yeah, but this is different." ME: "how? My parents divorced when Iwas 4! Hello?! I lived this....my mom chose herself many times. She took time to re-charge and have fun with her friends while we were safely at my grandparents or whatever. No harm, no foul. Your beloved's kid doesn't get "extra love" because mom loves you 'more' to attempt to...NO, it doesn't work that way. Mom feels guilty and it tears her up and she feels like she has to....the choice made by answering the following questions:

1) What do you view your current choices as? Notice I did not ask What are your choices? This is a perception question, kids.

2) Do your choices leave you feeling like you are in a better, more relaxed, more in-charge place for having made said choices?

3) Do you get hurt no matter which of your perceived choices you make?

4) Do you, in choosing either A or B, lose something that means a great deal to you? [e.g. your beloved, intimacy, part of your heart]

So all the friends basically said in one fashion or another 'ok, so if I were to "Choose me", what the [ ] do I do next?' Sarcastic self says 'Well, ya open up the nearest window, regardless of the time and shout your choice to the world! DUH!' Realistic self says 'well, that depends on your circumstances.'

So, in the case of my BFF and her BFF, I told her we need to work on a letter or e-mail to the friend in violation and explain where the bear does his business then have a ComeToJesus so we're all on the same page. Yes, for a fact, it's gonne feel like you've slapped the long term BFF but guess what, she needs it...the other option is a dunk in Boston Harbor and you'd likely have to be in HAZMAT ISO for a week so let's not....so we're working on the letter.

IN my friend with family issues, she told her fam and in-laws, in a conference call no less what she was doing and why. OK, so our barely 5' daughter has cajones after all. Bravo for her!! That friend got a verbal Hi-5! It's not easy growin' 'em but ya gotta.

Case 3. He is working thru doing what he wants to do with his life, being his own boss, with no objections from his family tho he is pretty sure he'll wake up one morning to tell me about 'this crazy dream he had'. Nope, your reality my friend is the dream and it freakin' rocks!!

Case 4. I told my friend to have this discussion with his beloved about her choosing herself, not him or her child. I also said 'hey, feel free to steer her my way. I am happy to give her the real deal. Sometimes a 3rd party gets the point across because I have only 1 agenda...you happy? Great, me too! So we'll see on cases 1 & 4 what happens.

The point though is simple. Society tells us we are self-ish if we take care of ourselves. No you're getting close to burnout. Take care of you, your needs, wants, your self. Odd how that helps you be better for everybody else. If you want more advice on how to apply it to your specific, 1st-time-in-recorded-history situation or you wanna tell me I'm full of it, feel free. I'm here all week... :p

Microsoft Office

2008-03-20T19:52:00.002-04:00

I know, I know...SUCH a deep topic! I mean, really, could I be more exciting and glam? OK, so yeah, maybe not. LOL I found the whole business suite for MO for free for 60 days, including Access and God Bless 'em, I didn't have to give my credit card #...so I can't screw up and go 'WTF is that $$$ charge doing on my card?!' It's beautiful so I am teaching myself .:) AAhhh.

On to the interview. It went fine. Black pants, black jacket, white top, black heels. It would be on a per transaction basis, part-time. That's fine. A BFF chewed me out about it saying it's the same crap I just came from. Uh, no. However, I know well that sometimes it's just best to shut up and let things be how they are. It went well. I did another test on ODesk and applied for 2 more jobs on VV. Cross your fingers. {Thanks!}

The Business of Progress

2008-03-20T01:49:00.002-04:00

Good news...1st, I have an interview Thurs at 4 to be a per transaction assistant to a realtor. Could be cool. :D
2nd, got an e-mail from a builder/contractor interested in interviewing w/me for PT position. I've forwarded references and salary req to them thus far. We'll see.
3rd, got a call from the petsitting people who took care of the kids over Christmas bc they had an opening. I hope to connect with that person tomorrow.
4th...and for me, oddly, the most exciting piece of news...I downloaded Microsoft Office 2007, which includes Access!!!!!!!!!!! as a free trial download for 60 days...I am hoping and praying that I can re-teach it to myself as I used it at Pulte and Turner and do some online virtual assisting/projects and get myself established that way. It would be a huge help.

As I told a friend of mine today, and mom this evening, I feel like after really reflecting on it, I would like to do contract work or work online and do maybe 2 or 3 part time jobs so I have more freedom. I used to be big on 'managing' this, that and the 3rd. I'm honestly not so itnerested in that at this point. I really think I want the freedom to be able to travel, enough $$ to take the trips I'm planning to take and get my bills back in line, etc., I want to get my health and my teeth figured out and I want love in my life. I want a great guy. The right great guy. I feel as if I'm moving in the correct direction.

Missing Person

2008-03-17T01:42:00.002-04:00

No no one I know is missing. I miss some of my friends. Friend 1 I had known for years, since 1989 as a matter of fact. I screwed up and then sent a note/birthday card i should not have sent. So I finally wrote her again to explain the last 16 months or so and say I was sorry because I was and am. I did something dumb. I've not heard from her. My VBFF got a Christmas card from her. God Bless her; she's a great chick and deserves nothing but the best.

Friend 2 goes back to my Boston days. One of the many but she was always extremely supportive of me, VBFF and our endeavors. We had a lot of great times. She lives on the E. Coast now and we've just recently started to re-re-acquaint.

Friend 3 is here in Raleigh and is just distant. We're close but we're not and I wish we were closer.

Friend 4 was gone for a week, the week since I've been out of work and can I just say...damn long week without Friend. I miss this person and can't wait to see them, I think I will tomorrow. It was odd having them gone. Talking only 1x during the last week. Very, very strange. I miss them terribly.

I miss parts of me as well. I think I know where they are and how to get them back...stay tuned.

Working thru it.

2008-03-17T01:35:00.002-04:00

I've done some cleaning in the house, ironed a whole 4 things...with about 20 more to go, found long lost jewelry I will never wear which I'm going to put up for sale and discovered a CD dealing with authenticity and anger and such.
I think that's Tuesday's task.

Amazing what you find when you look. Around your house or inside yourself. Never know what you'll find.

Mishmash

2008-03-14T09:50:00.004-04:00

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm pondering cookie making, working out, applying for jobs, hair coloring among other choices. I should work out so I can then color the hair, then apply for jobs online until the hair is done, finish the hair the start the cookies, continue applying for jobs, blogging, whatnot.
Pay some bills, join make-n-dollars.com. I'm reading this book, a memoir, about an Iranian woman who was in Evin as a political prisoner for 2 years. If I was in any country other than this one I am pretty sure I would also be in prison. I have a mouth and it opens. Therefore I AM. I am so blessed to live in a country that allows me to speak my mind, right or wrong, whether I agree with my government, my employer, my friends, family or anyone else for that matter. The great irony of this country, or one of them anyway, is that our military fights for us daily, to protect our right to speak out, even against them, their service and this war, the one we're winning.

1 of the things in this world that seriously gets on my nerves is people who are against something or someone and when you challenge them or ask why they're anti- they get angry with you! Be for or against whatever you choose but please, be able to back it up. For example, being in NC during the Duke Lacrosse case, I got a different, better, more rounded view of the whole situation than, I found out, did the rest of the nation. I am the 1st person to say, if someone has violated someone else sexually, lock them up. I knew very early on that something was very wrong; nothing was adding up. I spoke with my mom, my gramma and my very best friend, all in 3 different states and they were not getting the full story. At any rate, someone asked me what I thought of it and I was blunt: "I hope they punish the girl and exonerate the boys then take every single thing they can from Nifong." The look I got was 'oh, no you didn't!' with a mouth wide open. Then I got even bolder and said 'the sadder thing is that racism runs so deep in Durham and the people are so stupid that they didn't question it. A black girl said she was raped by three [presumed wealthy] white Duke students so therefore she's a helpless victim, they are guilty and that's the end of it. ' The person I was talking to was not from here. But when I asked what the thoughts behind their opinion were I was accused of being racist and then told it was not relevant because they were guilty, I'd see and how dare I not back her. Um, OK. I let it go because sometimes you're just not going to win. As it happened, they were not guilty at all, the case should have died in a folder on the DA's desk but it didn't and Duke, the city of Durham, Nifong, NC and everyone involved has a lot to live with. Funny how nobody came back to say 'I apologize for rushing to judgement of these fine young men.' Nobody who swooped into to accuse and point fingers came back to offer an apology. Nifong and Duke did, under durress. Not a single person from NCCU said a thing. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, ever infamous for getting in the middle of every perceived injustice and making it their business to demand 'justice', did not come back to Durham to say they were wrong. If you cannot back up what you're saying, you might want to think 1st because you could ruin someone's life, reputation.

Anger Management

2008-03-14T01:58:00.003-04:00

I know I have issues with it. I don't typically lash out and I'm not an abusive person. I just get teary over a lot of things that shouldn't tear a person up. I also get overly emotional about stuff I shouldn't get so much so over.

So how to deal...screaming it out, working out til my heart gives out, holding it in or better yet, work thru it 1 issue at a time....I think that's what I'll do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd3U1RtolLs Smacking someone upside the head like the penquin's doing is also a thought. 1 that makes me lmao actually. http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/6302/80858070zy3.gif

OK really I wouldn't do that but it's kinda funny to watch...so yeah I"m not angry at life or the world or anything. I don't care for democrats or tree huggers or hypocrites or people for whom slamming on their brakes is a 'turn signal' but otherwise...

It's old crap. That needs cleaned out permanently. So that's the next task.

Bad me...Vewy Bad Me!

2008-03-12T02:15:00.004-04:00

OK, so I'm not fulfilling my promise to myself to blog daily. A lot of stuff going on. Helping friends work thru issues, dealing with drama and stuff at work, now dealing with, as of Friday, not having a job. I knew it was coming and G, my boss, was surprised that I didn't freak. 1st of all, because I knew it was coming, odd as it sounds, it was a relief. I was no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. It dropped at 3:30 ish. G had a 4:30 appt in Wake Forest and D was off and B, C and D2 were gone. I knew they couldn't afford me back in December. G felt like, as he put it, 'I shouldn't be surprised.' I wasn't. Then he said 'you don't seem surprised.' I'm not. I wasn't. I teared up a bit but was OK. I picked up my deskpad, mousepad and calendar Monday and dropped off some stuff.

It is what it is. they're giving me severance pay which I appreciate. I've updated my resume and references. I'm applying wherever I can think of. Trying to be upbeat. Told mom, Nicole and Robyn thus far. I called Dad & Sean. It's funny having bill collectors call bc they call, talk, talk, talk then stop [it would be helpful if they stopped to make sure they were still talking to a person but whatever] and the 1st thing I say is 'well, that's all kinds of lovely but I lost my job Friday and I don't know what to tell ya!' They're speechless then they go to 'so you don't have any money to make your account current?' Someone give that person a gold star! Hello, if I have a place to live 4/1....I got my big girl panties on and now I'm going to deal with it.

If you got the review I got in December, you would not have been shocked either. It was cruel, scathing, meant to make me say 'screw it, I quit'. That was so not gonna happen. I knew it was a matter of time. Every day I thought 'is today the day?' I always thought 'ok, who's gonna do it? ?' There is a point after which there is no return. Their program coach had informed them back in December that they could not afford to keep me.

They have several problems, not the least of which is that they are totally incompatible personalities. Neither of them knows how to apologize for anything. Then again to them they are never wrong. Then he said that I was not a good manager at all. Well that's hard to do when you're given a task then how you do it is either 'not what they expected' or it is done wrong and you're given no guidance about doing it 'right' or you're just lectured which is useful only if you're in college and taking notes or if you're military. So yeah.

I'm hunting, applying, hunting more. I will get there. Wherever there is.

Losing

2008-01-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

Seriously, my boys won the WS! My Packers, grampa's team, lost. GO PATRIOTS!!!! Really!! It's kinda vengeful now...19-0!!! Let's DO IT!! I say this as though I have even 1 iota of control over it...The Pats gotta win b/c losing sucks....and 19-0 would totally freakin'rock!!!

My birthday

2008-01-20T01:05:00.001-05:00

Friday was my birthday. I was quasi-dreading it. If you know me you know my last few have not been fabulous...not as bad as the crack-bust birthday (21st-don't ask) but yeah....
So, the plan last year was 1) a vow to never, ever plan another b-day for self. Period. So then I wanted to, kiddingly, go to D's beforehand for drinks then to the Canes game, then to dinner then get birthday sex. I got 2 outta for and a whole lot more. Normally I don't name names here b/c it's a place to vent and opine and whatnot and sometimes I need to share the lesson but i don't want a person to be upset so I just do anonymously. Today, I'm naming names. :)

Sean & Amy got tix to the Canes game so I took Sean, Amy, Kammy and self :p We had a blast, I got my concrete, and we won 7-2! Except that I had major dizzy issues, it was great. We got a penalty shot which Eric Staal got easily. It was great really. :D

So then we went to dinner at Applebees and had a great time.

Gifts....card from gramma, $$ from dad & mom/Dave, jellybellies/candle/lotion from Kam, tix and dinner from Sean/Amy, roses from Rach, e-cards from Rach & Brenda. Lunch from Greg [boss] and Bill. Brownies that rock from Diane. B-day texts from Amy, Robyn, Rach, Karen & Vonda. VM's from mom, dad, Rach & Melanie. Card from Vonda.

This was a fabulous birthday! Thanks hugely to everybody who made me smile. Dr. appt this week for the dizzy thing so no worries there.

Happy 34th to me!! hehehe

Blurred Lines

2008-01-14T02:01:00.000-05:00

I have several in my life. Two stand out.

1) The one where my work bleeds into my life. I am vowing to have that problem done and dealt with, except for scripts & probably Sunday nights, by 2/1. [Someone hold me to this, quick! LOL]

2) I have a close friend, we'll call him. We've known each other since May 03. In May 06 he effectively broke my heart. We were involved on and off between May 03 & May 06 . Without going into details that are really no one's business, we're newly close friends again. He found me on yahoo personals. We've talked, a lot. We've 'gone there' but once. We had a great night last Saturday night and I made a statement for me. I will be dating the next person I 'go there' with. Period. I haven't a clue if that sounded like an ultimatum because it wasn't meant to be one. It ws just a statement of fact for me, about me. You want the intimacy, you gotta take all of me. He seemed to understand that. He actually was being very protective of me and whatnot and it was the first time in my life, no I'm not kidding, where I felt like that. It was very sweet. We kissed, we cuddled, we talked. I am not the leader in my relationships with guys and thusly am not calling out jack crap. We're friends. but are we more? Which rules apply? The 'friend' rules, which allow guys and gals to call each other whenever to chat, do stuff, whatever. Or the 'dating/pursuer' rules, which dictate chick [here, that would be self] not call guy. Guy must reach out to chick.

He didn't freak when I said 'no sex until I'm dating someone, be it you or someone else. The person I share me with has to want all of me, in public, in private, and the whole gamut.' I haven't a clue. The line is blurred.

Standing up

2008-01-09T02:12:00.001-05:00

I stood up for myself. I have re-acquainted myself with a close friend and we're growing closer again, I feel. I could be wrong. I digress. So when I was at friend 1's house talking to them about their situation, they said 'do you value yourself? your whole self? does your other friend value all of you?'

So I'm at other friend's home Saturday night and we are talking, cuddling and I got scared. I told him that I don't regret 'being with him' last time but I do not want to go there again til I'm dating someone. It's too important. He didn't freak or kick me out of his house. In fact I was there another 3 hours. We talked, cuddled, kissed, talked more. He was being protective of me. I scared myself standing up for me but I'm proud of me for setting that boundary, for honoring me, myself and I. It's critically important, you learn in the recovery process, to stand up for yourself, by yourself, to love, care about, respect and value yourself enough to draw lines and oboundaries and to go 'uh uh' when it's necessary. We stood up for me. :)

OUCH

2008-01-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

Nice title, right? Friday I was to have dinner w/a close friend but someone needed said friend more so I deferred plus I had alligators biting at work so no harm no foul.

1am Sat night, friend calls freaking out. I go over to friend's house and am there til 5 am. I don't think I helped but maybe I did. I do that sort of stuff for my closest friends. I drop plans for Hawaii and go to Maine for a funeral. My very closest friend's dad died. Hawaii will still be there.

So then I'm scheduled to have lunch with another close friend who texts to tell me their father in ICU with a stroke. I feel so bad. I text back it's OK, do as you need to, I'm here if you need anything. An ear, a shoulder, whatever. The thought of losing one of my parents comes to the forefront again. I'm teary because I love them both very much. That's not enough words but it'll have to do for now.

So then I take dinner to another friend and we talk and ponder and the like. The friend is recovering from a nasty form of crud that is again in NC with various strains hitting people. It's pretty...NOT!!! So we ate, watched football [yes, I wanted to watch more than they did], talked a lot.

So back to the 1st friend. One of the things in life that I admit as much for my own sanity as for any other reason is that I am damaged. I've come along way in my recovery but I'm damaged. I can relate well to damaged people and sometimes I can see when someone who is or was [usually it's 'is' but I digress] thinks they're "all better now" and they're ready to throw themselves back into whatever pool their recovery involved. In my case public places where alcohol and humans mingle. Again, I digress. So one of my beloved friends is dealing, patiently, empathetically, compassionately with another friend and helping said friend thru a very rough path [I don't have details and they're not 1st friend's to share]. The ouch comes when you are either tired of being in ouch-ville, hurting, crying, etc and you just really, really want to re-join the rest of seemingly normal society. So you decide you're ready to do so. Or not.

There's a process and sometimes, especially when it involves ourselves, as with most things, we do NOT see the forest for the trees. We actually think 'oh, I'm fine. I'm good now.' Sometimes you're supposed to relax into it. Sometimes crying it out is a good thing. It gives you one hell of a headache and is not recommended if you need to appear in public public [this doesn't include work] but it is cathartic. Sometimes taking the time to flail before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before sauntering and saunter before running is not only helpful but necessary. Sometimes we think we're ready for the world but we're not and it freaks us out so we run back to the cave/sanctuary and slam the door shut. NOT doing that again, thankyou so much! Yeah, you gotta. However, this time. Peer out first. Observe with new eyes from the 'this is what I think I want to do but I'm not sure yet so let's watch' POV. I will throw self out as an example. Long story short I went thru something rough then decided that just 'getting some' would make me feel better, fix the situation because I'd be 'normal' whatnot. Uh, not so much. It actually pushed me about 6 months back. Fastforward to the 'Ouch'. We get hurt trying to help because part of being a friend involves putting yourself out there. Being a close, great, personal friend involves putting yourself out there and sometimes it tears you apart. It hurts like hell. But like all things, we recover. Sometimes you have to step back, let it air dry, not say or do anything. It will heal, in its own time, its own way. In the meantime, we bear the burden of 'ouch'.

When in Rome....

2008-01-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

I was discussing immigration with a friend of mine and my belief that we should call a spade a spade and call out the fact that English is the official language of the U.S. She 1st says I'm racist, then that I'm prejudice, then that I should be more inclusive in my thought process because 'we white people aren't the majority anymore!' Fortunately for me, I remembered a recent trip she had taken overseas. So I said, 'Remember when you went overseas?'

She: "Yeah, what about it?"

Self: "Where did you go?" (I knew where she went but I needed her to say it.)

She: "Duh, Germany, France, Switzerland and Italy!"

Self: "So when you went there, did you demand or expect Germans, French people, the Swiss or Italians to speak English?"

She: "Of course not! How rude! I mean really!!"

Self: "So then why is it OK for people to come here and demand that WE speak THEIR language, as opposed to English?"

She didn't know what to say. So I said it for her. We are not racist, rude, obnoxious, uncaring people because we ask that when you are in Rome, or in this case the US, you do and the Romans, speak as the Romans do..or in our case do and speak as Americans do. Our forefathers had to. When I have to repeat, suh-lowly and cuh-learly 4 [yes, 4!!] and no I'm not kidding, times that "I want to buy 4 chocolate chip cookies" before the girl gets it...then she gets mad at me....uh no!

Stop and think about this in a more practical sense if you will. We have our driver license tests in NC in Spanish. Lovely. How nice. And compassionate. They're not forced to adapt. People, what language are all of our street signs in? Thank you, I rest my case.

Caucuses

2008-01-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

One word. Ick! That's weird because I'm the wonk. So you're thinking, if you know me, why 'ick'? Obama's too politically young and idealistic to really make change, HRC got some seriously knocked off her throne...[Ms. "I'm all about change"/"I have the experience [that I create when it suits my purpose but please don't go fact check it or I'm screwed...just go with the momentum...] to lead!"] At one point even I, knowing their history, DC politics, the FOB & H kingdom and the DNC, pretty much thought it was hers for the taking. It's clearly not. What is funny though is that Kucinich still thinks he has a chance (that would be the came chance of icicles in Miami but I digress) and that people like him. Odd fact: if HRC doesn't get the nod/win it she won't run again. There is no one they could put up that I can't pull all kinds of crap up on. Did it for other people and I love the media where you can pull soundbites, total scripts, all of it. She's either new and all about change or she's another 4 years of Billery. Pick one. IA proved she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Obama needs to be real careful b/c the scary truth about him and his lack of experience will out too! Give it time. Billery's gonna be in attack mode soon enough and everybody needs to duck b/c it's not pretty.

On to the GOP. I know, I should be 'woo-wooing'. Except I'm not. I worked for Romney when I lived in MA and honestly he is a good guy. I like Guiliani too. I DO NOT like Ron Paul, as he is a RINO which is just annoying. Huckabee and McCain are on my hitlist too. I respect McCain for his military service and so on but I'm not about amnesty and this anti-waterboarding crap [because it's torture even if it has saved us from attacks that make 9/11 pale in comparison] is for the birds too. Huckabee is a GOP version of Carter. Holding hands and beltin' out Kumbayah does not fix a thing. Witness the Carter and Clinton admins. Thompson I don't know enough about to really dig in and judge but frankly he doesn't seem like he actually cares. You gotta want it! Seriously. But then I'm also not getting involved until I must, except for blogging about it, because the spin/crap/drama is just noise. Americans have the memories of gnats. The good, ugly, blood sport stuff will come later and there will be a lot of it. I can wait.

Old Habits...and Other Thoughts

2008-01-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

So I'm at work yesterday and my boss tells me that we're listing this new house and he would really like to get it into the system [viewable by realtors] for the weekend. Can I do this? Hello, this is a 'yes' or 'of course' only. 'No' is not optional here. So then I tell my beloved co-worker, I really do adore her btw, that I am trying to have this be my last weekend of taking crap home with me, etc. The person I was to have dinner w/cancelled on me but for a very good, important reason so yeah, that old habit thing....having lunch w/a good friend tomorrow then making dinner for a sick friend, another recent reconnection. Thusly moving in the right direction. No church this w/e as our bishop is speaking and frankly the $$ thing is my least fave part of being Catholic but that's another day. So that vow to go back to church goes to next weekend unless I go see my coastal bff in which case..my birthday weekend...

I've inquired about new jobs and have interviews, and making efforts to re-connect with people, looking for volunteers opps and ways to meet more new people...old habits die hard but seriously I'm trying. Leader of the pack by default!

Resolute Follow Up

2008-01-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

I am quickly finding out that old habits are hard to break....I napped earlier so after I shower I'm going get some stuff done 'ahead' of tomorrow. Oh boy....None of this is new news...I'm working on getting my ducks in their row...full weekend ahead. It is SO cold. I'm over it. Everybody's having issues and I'm trying to nav them all thru their issues. LMAO We'll get there and we're a whole 3 days, nearly 4, into 08. Eesh!

Day 1 of 2008

2008-01-01T20:51:00.000-05:00

Hehe. I slept longer than I wanted to but das OK. It's a day off. I haven't done a single work-related thing today tho I will after dinner & shower. :P

I'm going to try to do this or journal in private every day. We'll see how that goes. I just am trying from day 1 to go 1 step at a time, to change how I think, how I do. Following one of my favorite sayings "if you always do what you've always done, you're always going to get what you've always got." I can't expect change unless I change how I think, do and allocate my time and energy.

I worked out, talked to a friend w/whom I'm working on re-building a friendship, e-mailed a few people, texted 1 person, returned some stuff, made a phone call, watched parts of multiple bowl games, talked to Dad & Donna briefly and brought my plants in. :p

So far, so good. I am trying to when I start hearing the familiar in my head to say 'um, back up. That is the old way. New year, new thinking, new, better actions.' That means that time will expand for me but I 1st need to say 'what do you want to volunteer to do? really?'

Then we have my resolutions. The friend I refered to earlier asked about my resolutions for 08. I'll talk about that later...going to go shower & make dinner. Worked out for the 1st time in a week and yeah....I'll feel it tomorrow.

For now, this is it. me :)

Tragedy and it's victims.

2008-01-01T00:41:00.000-05:00

I ran across a news article about a drunk driver whose BAC was .254 when he was driving north-bound on a south-bound interstate and side-swiped a mini-van, killing a mom & 4 kids. 3 other people went to the hospital with critical injuries and the jackass who caused it all is nearly unscathed. Why? Why does this happen? Why does God let them live almost every time? I mean, I just do not get it. Seriously. It's one of those unknowns and nobody has the answer but it just gets me that you're minding your own, doing your thing one moment and then your world is literally torn apart, loved ones killed. There is no 'sorry' that can fix it. I just don't understand.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319165,00.html

Too good to be True

2007-12-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

So I'm having this discussion with a close friend of mine who, as it happens, is a great guy any girl would be blessed to call her man. I wish there was chemistry b/c that's how much he rocks. Alas, no chemistry. So we're close friends. So we're having this discussion about why he's single and why I'm single. We are not your typical male & female specimens. We are, in essence, 'too good to be true' for the opposite sex. What do I mean, you ask?

Well, society says women should be catty, back-stabbing, vain, sports-hating, sexually ambivalent creatures who say one thing, mean another and love to shop, among other things. We've gotten to where there are more and more single women waiting longer and longer to get married, not settling or getting married just so they can get divorced. However, very few are like me. So what's so special about me you ask? I am unique in that I am not a shopper....at all . I like Christmas shopping but in small doses. I go shopping when the urge strikes...as it did a few weeks back. I literally put down what I was doing, grabbed my wristlet [smallest purse EVER!] and keys and off Sophie & I went to the mall to NY & Co. We shopped. We liked it. That is beyond rare. Maybe once a year that happens. I go when I MUST. For example, working out has lifted my butt which changes how my pants fit and thusly I needed some new pants. No, I would rather sit thru 6 hours of pre-baseball, more pre-baseball and then baseball and repeat that several days per week for about 2 months! That makes me happy. Putting my own windshield washer fluid in Sophie makes me happy. I won't ever ask my man [when I have own] to get up during a game because I won't get up unless I gotta pee. And let me tell you, TMI as it may be, I am 1 of the fastest pee-ers on earth. I get pissy when I miss a pitch or a hit or an out or anything. I am a 5 sport girl. I am also honest and forthright. I love when chick mags talk about 'what she means vs. what she says' and then it says in parentheses 'show this to your man'. My hypothetical man doesn't need to see that because if I say 'have a great time, go on with your bad self.' that is what I mean. I'm not mad and there won't be a talk later. I yell at the TV and that list goes on. I actually [gasp!] love sex. I like my body. It's not perfect but I like me. I don't feel the need to criticize myself, my body or anyone else or their selves either. Oh and I hate, hate, hate drama! Loathe it. When it's around me I'm not a happy girl b/c I try to lead a drama free existence. That doesn't work but it's closer to none than 'let's go see if we can create some drama!' Drama is for TVs and remotes shut it off! And yes, if you know me, you know that this is me, for realsies...there is no other shoe waiting to drop. The controlling bitch isn't coming out b/c she doesn't exist in me. I am simply me and she rocks but a lot of people think she is too good to be true. Which brings me to my close guy friend.

He is a sports fan as well. He is one of those people who is a people magnet. If he is your friend, he'll do anything for you. He's honest, blunt, strong and real. He is not a jerk or an ass, he isn't looking to get some and he's not a player. He likes making people happy and he is great at it. He is chivalrous, smart, funny, honest, great character. He's also good looking. Not in that, celebrity hottie way but in that classic good looks kinda way. Probably makes no sense, huh? He is protective but he is also great at promoting causes, things and people. :) He is also trustworthy. He wants to settle down, get married, have a family and the 2.4 kids. When someone figures out how you have 'point anything of a kid' please share. Thanks. Digressing, so we are talking about this whole 'why are we really great peoplewho are single when the prissy, stuck up drama-mama bitches and asshole player men all have people. Or at least it would appear as such.

I said, 'we both have the same problem.' We are too good to be true. We are in fact great, funny, smart, fab people who would make fantastic, very real partners. The hard part is that people don't trust stuff outside the status quo. Admittedly, for the most part if it's advertised it probably is too good to be true. [but wait there's more.....] You can do 2 minutes of exercise per day and lose 20 # in 2 weeks. Sure, yeah right....and snow sticks in NC! However at a certain point, you gotta let go and have faith that God will take care of you if you just ask for it and you have to re-build faith in yourself and give it a shot. There would be nothing west of the Mississippi were people not brave and adventurous. I told him we will both find our persons in 2008. Do I know this for sure? No. I just have faith in it. I believe it. [Everybody laughed when I said the Red Sox had to win the World Series because I needed my hoodie...I'm wearing my hoodie.] Bottom line: we aren't too good to be true. We're just different and different is hard to trust in our world in 2008.

New Years Eve Time to Reflect

2007-12-31T21:09:00.000-05:00

So in my oh-so-glam life, it's NYE yet again. This will be the last one I spend by myself. Then again it's only 10 after 9 so several people I know could decide to be spontaneous closer to midnite. Something struck me as interesting the other night. OK, it was more like "huh?" I went out with some good friends to an event Friday night and when I asked 'is anyone planning anything for NYE?' the answer I got back was 'it's all about having someone to kiss at midnite and when you haven't got someone special it's depressing.' OK, well then. I've always looked at NYE as 3 basic things. 1) A chance to reflect on the past year [for this last year that would be a LONG entry], 2) a chance to plan to better oneself in the upcoming year [something I'm really, honestly looking forward to this year] and 3) it's 18 days til my birthday!! [Another reason I try to just deal with winter. UGH. However, I digress!

SO I ran across a theory earlier this year that you don't repeat an experience if you learn from it and recognize the lesson. God decides you have learn the lesson and on you move. I like that theory and God knows I've learned a lot this year.

So, the bad things. Not making the $$ with the job I'm in that I need to be making. Not having insurance. The ring drama. The subsequent bank crap. Seeing one of my once-closest friends in a not-so-pretty light. Kicking Robert to the curb. Going without sex. Not volunteering or going to church as intended. Not working on finding a boyfriend/permanent man for myself. Sophie getting crunched a smidge. [Sophie is my car & she's fine save for a few scrapes that you only see if you're really, really close to her.] The hottie bartender saga-D's is closed, thankfully so that drama crap is permanently over.

OK, now for the GOOD things!! I have a job I love in an industry that's addictive. Again, that whole not great $$, no insurance thing. Again, I digress. I have a beautiful apartment, my garden, in spite of NC's 15" range shortage, rocked it. 1/2 of it is still kicking on 12/31. We've not had a hard freeze but the plants will be inside when that happens. :) More good stuff...going to Canes games, finding meetups [thanks BFF Vonda!!] and subsequently the Red Sox meet up group, sitting thru HOW many hours of Joe "I love to listen to myself talk" Buck commentate prior to an 8:30 or whenever the hell we feel like starting the game...WINNING THE WORLD SERIES!! [I got my hoodie, I got my hoodie!!! Yeah, Yeah!!], meeting Sean, Amy and the rest of the great fantastic fans I now count as great friends, working with Diane, having my fabulous Sophie, my two dats in relatively good health, going to church more, a summer that went on and on and on...LOVE THAT!!, going to DC for TG, spending Christmas with Dad, etal in Maine, signing up for eharmony, knowing my friends, working out more, trying to kick CFS's butt [I'm not doing so hot at that but darned if won't keep on trying!] and so on.

So no, it is NOT about kissing someone at midnite, though that so WILL be happening next year! It's about renewal, starting again, reflecting, taking the wheat from the chaff [sp?] and moving on, hopefully a stronger, better person for all of it. Happy New Year!!!