Thoughts and ponderings...

Waiting....

2009-07-28T12:03:00.002-04:00

So, I'm waiting to be told I'm officially approved for my new apartment. I qualify but I'm still nervous and focus has been hard to come by and I know, being nervous, having a fragmented mind and all of it are not helpful or healthy and that, like everything else in life, God will do His thing and it is what it is.

I just thought I'd share.

NASCAR's Memorial Day Tribute

2009-05-25T18:31:00.001-04:00

Today I witnessed something very rare, meaningful and moving. NASCAR's Coca Cola 600 was supposed to occur yesterday but rain postponed it until today. Today being Memorial Day, a Presidential Declaration asks the country to observe a nationwide moment of silence at 3PM. NASCAR stopped the race at 2:58PM. Every single fan stood up, hats removed, all the driver teams lined up along pit road and the drivers were brought around to the front straight-away and stopped, engines shut off. The whole of Lowe's Motor Speedway in Charlotte was silent for about 2 minutes. One of the coolest, grandest things I've seen in a long time. The sport so many people diss as 'redneck' and 'not a "real" sport' stopped the game to observe a moment of silence. Grown men cried. Not that that's a goal but it was really that touching. It's a small thing that you won't even know about if you're not a NASCAR fan but a sold-out race track of people watching a race, stopped 1 for rain, stopped completely, a 2nd time, to honor our men and women in uniform. It doesn't get cooler than that.

My Day in Court

2009-04-15T00:22:00.004-04:00

On April 17th, I was blessed with the experience of visiting small claims court. I don't say that sarcastically but rather in a serious manner because I believe there was a reason for it, aside from the obvious one. You cannot speak to something you've never experienced and you cannot empathize unless you've been there. I don't wish what I've gone through on anyone but I believe I will come out a better person for this.

So, allow me to back up just a bit. Roughly a week prior to my court date, I started googling various terms: 'small claims court', 'mediation' and the like. I wanted to know what would happen. What I got was all about the plaintiff and what a plaintiff can do, get, demand or expect. The only thing I found regarding defendants was blame, shame and 'well, you shouldn't have gotten yourself into that situation to begin with, you idiot!' and other condescending statements. Oddly, not terribly helpful. I vowed at that moment that whatever I learned and experienced I would write about it so that I could be helpful.

First of all, I will say that, yes, there are people who deliberately use and abuse credit and those people have lessons to learn, punishments to deal with and changes to make. That's not a judgement call that's just how it is.

Secondly, I will also tell you that there are plenty of people, myself included, who got credit cards, loans, revolving accounts and the like when they were holding down decent to great jobs and life was good. I was working for a builder in another state, making north of $40,000 and life was good. I went, not 7 months later, to a lay off. I got another job, making less than $40,000, 2 months later, in real estate.

Fast-forward to March, 2008. I was laid off because I was making more than my bosses, the owners of the company which employed me. I've not worked full-time since. I couldn't get unemployment due to small business regulations in the state I lived in. To save a lot of time, drama and info sharing that I don't wish to bore you with, I did everything I knew to do to pay the minimums on my bills, including moving in with my parents and so forth.

Every time I tried to deal with this particular credit card company they rebuffed me with 'that's not enough money'. Fine. Sue me. So they did. Well, actually, they sold my account to collection agency/law firm. They called and harassed me, suggested I prostitute myself and so forth. Apparently being cruel, inhumane, rude and obnoxious is supposed to milk blood from a turnip. Then they moved on to 'well, if you don't pay us, you'll get summoned to court then you'll have to pay what you owe PLUS court costs.' And this is going to get your your money how??

So,fast-forward to the court date. I go in to the court room and take a seat, because you have to. You may not stand while you wait. It's Small Claims Court. My judge was very efficient. He explained what was going to happen and started calling cases such as Orchard Bank vs. Marie Smith. It goes something like this:

Judge: Orchard Bank vs. Marie Smith
(Orchard Bank appears telephonically [by phone] if need be.

Marie Smith walks up to the podium.

J: Good morning, Ms. Smith, how are you?

M: Fine, your honor, how are you?

J: Good thank you. Ms. Smith, Orchard Bank alleges you owe them a debt in the amount of $2,825.68. Do you dispute this?

M: No, sir.

J: Would you like to try and work out a payment plan with them?

M: Yes, your honor.

J: OK, one of our mediation specialists will be with you shortly.
Good luck to you.

At this point, you get to sit back down and wait for the mediator to get to you. Mine was roughly a 29 minute wait. Then the mediator comes and gets you and you go into a little room. NOBODY CAN GO IN THE ROOM WITH YOU...

It's you and the mediator and the mediator calls the collection agency.

Then you wait on hold with them...my mediator said some are better than others.

Then you speak directly with the collection agency unless you're face to face then of course the mediator's talking to both of you, the ultimate goal being to reach a settlement satisfactory.

I came to a resolution mainly because I wanted it over with. Here's a note that, in the midst of it all, I completely forgot: Debt collection agencies BUY THE DEBT from Citibank or Chase or whoever so if they say 'I have to confer with our client' that's crap. Call them on it!!! Really.

The bottom line here is, if you don't have the money, don't promise them crap. If you don't have it, you don't have it. It's going to affect your credit either way.

I hope this helps someone, somehow. If I shared it for nothing, I've put out there.

A Reason For Everthing...All Things For a Reason

2009-04-13T23:48:00.002-04:00

I believe, quite firmly, in fact, that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes a long time to discover what's behind door number 1 but everything does happen for a reason. I also believe firmly that God will never give you more than He knows you can handle. That can be a problem an issue when You are looking at it as much bigger than you can handle. Sometimes it's all about perspective.

Ah, perspective. So, as I have gone through being un- and under-employed, being harassed, having all the twists and turns of the last 2 years, I go back to the idea that there is a purpose for all of this. Something bigger than I know about; like you cannot tell anyone else about an experience you have not had. Let me share an experience I'm about to have.

I am going to court tomorrow over a credit card debt. It's a pre-trial mediation hearing. Now for the rest of the story, as it were.

I went from a job that paid $33,000 to a job that paid $43,000 so I bought real furniture and got a credit card; not my 1st credit card but a credit card nonetheless. Little did I realize, 5 months later I would be the first of many a layoff. I also went to 2/3 of $33,000 for unemployment for 2 months then landed a now job. I know, you're thinking 'that's great!' and it was except it was $5,000 less than I had been making. When you adjust your life to what you're making, it's hard to adjust it back, especially when you have neither a warning and planning time or a safety net. My safety nets were my credit cards, 2 of them. I still tried my hardest to make some kind of payment. When I didn't, the phone calls started. Harassment, assumptions, mental cruelty, rude and demeaning and the list of awful goes on.

I tried and tried to explain that I was unemployed (even though I still made tiny payments at that time thinking something was better than nothing) then underemployed then unemployed again to no avail. As if I was sitting on $4,000 and not paying them just for the fun of experiencing the joy that is collections.

I was laid off a second time in 18 months and 3 weeks later my mother was in a serious car accident which took me to FL for two weeks, back to Raleigh to pack up my life in about 2 weeks time to move back to FL. It was, to say the least, very chaotic. Somewhere in the whole mess, I had received a collection threat letter/offer to settle but again, it was not an olive branch but rather a 'do as we say or else' letter.

Fast forward to fall of 2008. I got a letter from an attorney saying I needed to call them to discuss a settlement or payment plan. Yeah, right!! I called and was basically harassed and yelled at and treated like I'm not human and the concept of 'I don't have a job or money and, no, I can't ask anyone for money to pay your asses back!' I asked the guy if I should go whore myself out and he said 'you do what you gotta do.' Hello?!

So....after that lovely conversation, about 3 weeks ago I was served papers to appear in court for a pre-trial mediation conference at the court house. I believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for this, aside from trying to come up with a solution to the 'I would love to honor my debt and pay you except I have no money.' issue.

I know there is a reason that I don't see or understand right now for this. I also know that this too shall pass. It's really too bad that, rather than attempt logical solutions like suspending late fees, over-the-limit fees and 'just because we feel like it fees' as, logically, if someone cannot make their minimum payment or even part of it, they clearly cannot pay the other 10 fees imposed upon them.

On the other side of it, I absolutely intended and still would like to honor my debt. My other creditors have settled on payment plans with me but not this last one. I am not alone but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. However, I know for sure that God will never give me more than I can handle and this too shall pass.

A Reason For Everthing...All Things For a Reason

2009-04-13T20:23:00.003-04:00

A Good Day

2009-04-02T23:05:00.003-04:00

So....first it starts with rain and realtors then it goes into 'let's get teeth pulled' and ends with a car accident. Life's lovely.

I'm left with a few lessons, a massive headache, 2 more holes in my head, a bumper and fender that need replaced and a dorky story to tell.

Parallel Lines

2009-02-22T16:11:00.002-05:00

I was pondering the 'big picture' reality of our country at the moment versus my personal sphere and something interesting dawned on me. It frightened and intrigued me at the same time. I want to be a mom very much and the idea of having another little human excites me. Then I think about the state of our country and my mind says 'well, wait a minute...is bringing a baby into this the most responsible move ever?'

I ponder often as I read, chat, blog, try to absorb and then repeat that whole process! I believe in my mission, my person, my family and my country; what stumps me though is my lack of believe, faith and confidence in our leaders, in the big picture.

Worrying...Yes, I Know It Fixes Nothing

2009-02-11T00:33:00.002-05:00

My 12 year old cat/baby Tange is sick..actually there's likely more wrong than I know about but I can't afford to fix it so yeah...but his canine tooth is coming out and protruding out of his mouth so I'm getting him antibiotics tomorrow then taking him to the vet Tuesday at 7AM to get his teeth cleaned and the whole bit.

I just want him to be OK. Deep breathe. Remember, the outcome is no different whether you 'worry' about it or not. I know this. I pray for him. And me.

Dating

2009-02-04T00:33:00.002-05:00

So, one of my goals for 2009 is to have a serious boyfriend by year's end or a fiance, though that may be pushing it. However, you never know. So, I am signed up for Match.com and eharmony. Both are good sites. Not unlike social situations in public, there will be the liars, the cheaters, the fakes and the ballers.

I have been blunt and honest in both profiles and I've got a slew of matches on eharmony (where they match you) and I'm picking and being picked on match.com. I've had to be clear in saying 'I would love to grab a drink with you once I get up to Raleigh...in the meantime we'll have to e-mail and get to know each other that way.' I'll see how that goes.

I'm going thru things within me and getting clarity and whatnot, slowly. I can feel things going away, floating off peacefully if you will. That feels good but there's stuff still there that has to be dealt with. I was overcome with emotion when the Steelers won...for no real particular reason that I can think of because I wasn't rooting for either team as my teams were out. But I let myself just cry. Felt good.

Tonight 2 things made me teary. 1) a caller on a radio show called and was asking very specific, clear questions of the host regarding her home and finances. No bitterness, anger, angst or whatever. Just 'what do you recommend?' With like 11 children to raise, on her own. The part that touched me more than just her story was the number of people who called into the same show and wanted to help her out. The human spirit and the people in this country are amazing; it's too bad there's no political benefit for trying to tap that. Made me teary-eyed.

2) I'm watching Homeland Security USA and they showed a marine homecoming to DFW and, for real, if that doesn't bring you to tears you need to go figure out what's wrong with you. Not only do people stand and clap and show their appreciation for the men and women who serve our country but the families were at the airport too and, for real, that sacrifice and the job they do, no matter how you feel about the wars, is just amazing. I'm in awe of it; I really am.

OK, so I went a little off track...back to the dating thing. I am opening myself up, communicating with as many people as possible, being picky, finding number of cute, sports-loving Catholics and taking inspiration from the Bachelor...learning a lesson or 2 from these girls and their behavior, etc.

Wish me luck. :p

Another Regret

2009-02-02T22:40:00.003-05:00

One of the things I regret is not taking the time to honor my emotions, the negative ones, to grieve the stuff that needed to be grieved, to stand up for myself and get angry when need be, to tell people off or confront them, regardless of whether I felt it was perpetuating the drama cycle or not. It bothers me that there are things not grieved, anger that I 'let go' at the time that didn't go anywhere because I didn't get angry so I could get over it. Maybe that doesn't make sense but I am in a family where we don't really do emotion. Or at least not negative emotion. By about 9/13/01 or so my mother was angry that I wasn't over 9/11, as it wasn't like I knew anyone in NYC or on any of the planes. So I hid it, pushed it away. So much sadness and anger and just that feeling like "I knew this was going to happen...but there was not a thing I could have done..." My mother didn't let so much as a tear go at her best friend's burial service and was very uncomfortable when I hugged her upon hearing that her best friend, at 54, had passed away. My mother is in her 60s, the old old, and the thought of losing her scares the hell out of me.
The number of times I have not cried when someone died or let whatever negative emotion was present just be is beyond count. I want to go back now and work on all of that, to process it so in the future it's just

Good Game, Good Game, Good Game!

2009-02-01T23:27:00.003-05:00

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, now the winning-est team in NFL history with 6 Super Bowl wins! Congratulations also go to the Arizona Cardinals who brought their A game to Tampa and played their hearts out. Both teams and their fans and families should be very proud of the game played, the efforts and the outcome. Losing when you're that close is rough. Been there, done that.

There were many beautiful plays this evening, some 'OMG, did you see that?' moments. I was in a position for the first time in years where I wasn't rooting for either team. I just wanted to see a great game and really, even though I am a huge Patriots fan, I believe this game eclipsed last year's.

Tonight, I could see the looks on the Cardinals' players' faces and I know that look. You got it, it's yours...or not. You're so excited and happy and then you go from the top to the bottom so fast you can't hear or see or make sense of anything. Your heart is shattered and brokened. Your brought your A game and you earned your spot and it wasn't enough.

I believe this one was about timing, as they all are, but this one in particular. Steelers football is like New England sports in general, never say 'it's ours' until the final buzzer or there's fewer than 20 seconds and you have possession, because you never know...but you also never say die.

I saw a great game with great plays and sportsmanship. Both teams have every reason to hold their heads high. Congratulate yourselves for a job well done, celebrate your victory and having played great even though you didn't win, respectively.

Finally, thank God for the blessings of your talents and abilities, jobs you love, great families, friends and fans and we'll do it again soon.

The Dead Kitty Tale

2009-01-28T01:08:00.003-05:00

This is the tale of the dead kitty and my lie about said dead kitty. My best friend moved from where we were living back home to be nearer family and between her place and various family, no one could take her kitty so I got to keep kitty. Kitty was with me for roughly 3 years before passing away, out of the blue, under my bed one day. I promptly called said BFF and relayed the info to her, telling her I had to call the vet, etc...to find out, austensibly, what to do with kitty. Now, mind you, I had the ability when I lived where I lived when my first kitty ever passed away. She is buried behind my parents' home. When kitty passed away, I was broke and lived in a city so my options were as follows: 1) throw her out; 2) take her to the vet to be cremated and pay $65 to get (her) ashes back; 3) get permission to bury her on a friend's acreage north of town. I was also informed that there was a strict city ordinance about pet disposal. I didn't have $25 for gas never mind $65 for kitty. I could not get up to the friend's for at least a week so, sadly and with regret, I threw her out. I cried for about 2 hours solid, prayed a lot, cried some more, showered and cried some more then passed out and slept. I told best friend that the kitty was buried at friend's place because I knew it would make her feel better and it made me feel better. Do I feel good that I lied to her? Of course not! Did I feel horrible? Uh, yes, for several reasons. I was mad at myself for not having the means in any manner to put her to rest peacefully, I was mad and disappointed in myself for not trying harder, for lying about it when really, best friend knew the truth. I still feel awful but I'm glad I'm at least putting it out there. I would have, sadly, done the same thing with any of the 3 I had at the time. I had no other option and it killed me. I did the best thing I knew to do under the circumstances with the resources (or lack thereof) I had in my possession at the time. I accept full responsibility for myself and my actions at the time. I know she knows so I will not be saying anything but I hope she forgives me. I know she forgives me. Now, it's just about working on me forgiving me.

Regrets

2009-01-26T23:28:00.003-05:00

SO, I've said before in life that I have no regrets only lessons I've learned. Then I am working thru this book on letting go and I made a list, yes a list!! of regrets. Yes, really! I was trying to organize the process of processing each one and coming to peace with everything and, yeah, my list is like 20 items long..and you know what's not on there? Not making a closing happen. Telling someone they didn't get approved. Screwing up a closing. Not working enough.

Crazy how I actually thought career was the be all end all for so long. So, you're probably thinking 'ok, so what do you regret?' I regret not spending more time around my grampa before he passed away. I regret missing my cousins' weddings. I regret spending so much time wanting someone who didn't want me (more than 1 guy! Yes, I am aware that's sad but at least i see it to let it go!) that I couldn't let go and move on to someone who would cherish me. I regret giving a damn about Robert, Bobby, Juan and Jeff. Seriously! I regret not realizing my issues have a grip on me that needs to get gone. Yes, I realize this now and am working on it. I regret not putting people in their place for the sake of commity, workplace peace and whatever BS reason I did it for! I regret sleeping with someone who hurt me multiple times and who was never meant to be mine. I regret not taking care of myself and worrying about me. I regret worrying about being enough for anyone, including myself. I regret not doing things and going places that were right in my backyard because I was afraid I'd miss something where I was (I didn't miss a damn thing I couldn't have lived without!) There are more but that's most of them.

SO, is there anyone to apologize to? Yes and no. Most of it is apologizing to myself and taking care of me and learning to just let it go. I'll be penning/typing letters not meant to be sent to several people. I will not hurt another person intentionally or not just to complete this process! SO, watch for my items/regrets, one at a time.
I am working to forgive, get to peace and move on.

Change, Regret & Forgiveness

2009-01-26T01:54:00.002-05:00

Ever done something you regret? As you have a pulse if you're reading this, I am going to go with 'yes' on that. Me, too. I actually have more than a few. One of my many commitments to myself for 2009 is to finally purge the yuck and so I am reading a The Little Book of Letting Go. I am on the exercise where you heal regrets, past wrongs, hurts so you heal yourself and can let go of these things permanently and move on to a genuinely happier life. Like dropping your luggage off to be screened before it's put on the plane then not picking it up at the carousel at your destination because you don't need it. It's a good thing!

SO I am planning to start issue 1 tomorrow. I'll keep you posted. I am not afraid of the monster, the tears or whatever I just wanted it gone. If I need to cry my eyes out or get a bad headache to do that, so be it.

7 True Things

2009-01-24T01:37:00.002-05:00

One of my besties has a blog and on that blog is a game about 7 truths about yourself so here goes my 7!

1) Spiders of any and every kind scare the hell out of me! I have learned not to scream at the sight of them but I still hold my breath and move to the highest spot in the room til I can find a can of spider killer or a shoe.

2) I am jealous of the fact that others I know are married w/kids and I want that too but I also realize that a) it's my own fault, b) I'm working on correcting it and c) it's not my time yet.

3) I am not EVEN a Barack Obama fan! I respect the Office of the President but the man himself, his choices and politics leave a lot to be desired.

4) The collective stupidity of my fellow Americans blows my mind! Kills me how people refuse to actually think for themselves and then get angry at those of us who do so!

5) I love gardening!

6) I am a die hard, cannot get enough, checks scores from her cell phone when there's a game I can't see no matter where I am Red Sox fan!

7) It galls me that so many people are so friggin' gullible, following blindly whoever promises them stuff that, if they actually thought about it for 5 minutes, would surely be idiotic at the least, insane and highly improbable or gravely destructive at the worst.

It's Harder Than It Looks Sometimes

2009-01-01T19:57:00.004-05:00

OK, so last night I wrote a letter I obviously never intend to send to a guy who I've known since 1992. I've had a thing for him and he for me, on and off, banter and whatnot. We are close friends & yes, that is possible. HOWEVER, as much as I would like to say 'Nope, not waiting on him!' because seriously, I know better, somewhere in my mind, or maybe my heart, I guess I have been. Other people tell me I give excellent advice and I should have been a counselor or something. Sometimes it's harder than it looks. To execute decisions.

Not wanting to date really because what if I'm serious with someone and HE walks in and, and, and....what the hell am I doing? What in hell am I thinking? This is entirely my issue, none of it on him. I believe it's been easier to invest in him because I can't get hurt and yet, I have been hurt, I've been disappointed and I've been surprised at the audacity. Now, it's over. I have given myself permission to cut the ties that bind, to move on, to realize that I am beautiful, smart, articulate, funny, caring, a little zany and 900 other things that any guy with any intelligence and priorities in some kind of order would want.
HE is married to his career and the 'I love you's' are simply words, because no actions have ever proceeded or preceded them! HE doesn't want me enough to do whatever HE must do to make it happen; most men would do that for the woman they supposedly love.

So, I'm done. I know it's not about hurting him because he's been done for a long time! If he is hurting, I don't know about it and it's not my problem.

So, I'm done. Done waiting, done caring, done investing time, energy and whatever else into someone and something that is never going to come. I've done nothing wrong in the whole thing but now I gotta do what is right for me! That would be being done.

Done, off like a prom dress. Done & gone. Ready for love and all of it with someone real who will cherish me and respect me and be there for me in real life in real time. Someone who will be proud and dying to show me off to his friends and I'll want to show him off to mine!

I'm done being scared that I might get hurt because I got hurt and it happened while I was trying to not get hurt. I'm done being afraid of being abandonded. I will always have me and I love me. If someone leaves you or dies, it is for the best because either the lesson, the memories, the whatever's been taught or someone new is coming to fill the space.

I'm done worrying about it because I want to be worry-free and happy, really happy and all of it, in 2009. I am done worrying about the whole damn situation and moving.

I give myself permission to throw the whole kittenkaboodle off a cliff, in the trash, into a fireplace or whatever, just to get it gone!! My heart must be free and I admit I've been a dummy but it's water under the bridge so no beating self up over it. I am free to move on and have all thing love and joy and adventures I am entitled to!!!

Now there's a great start to a new year!! and a new me!!I give myself permission to be done! It's over and I'm done! It's OK for me, myself and I go move on in every way with our life and to be awesome!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done!!! It's not a negative it's a very positive, great, freeing thing!!

Year End Thoughts

2008-12-31T21:51:00.003-05:00

Wow! What a year! I mean, seriously, ups and downs, lefts & rights...I am actually, in spite of a few good things, really happy it's over and seriously looking forward to 2009!

So, as I am constantly trying to find the positive, let's count my blessings for 2008:
*I lost my job 3/7/08. A blessing. Really. Keep reading.
*The start of my new career, unbeknownst to me. I was job hunting as I had been since 9/07 (long story) and found a job link on Craigslist which led me to Virtual Vocations which led me to ODesk...which ultimately led me to my new career! I work for myself, part-time. I'm working on increasing my salary to myself and my hours/jobs for 08.
*I got a new friend/client in the person of Jimmy, who's began an online company that freakin' ROCKS!!
*My mother was in a near-fatal car accident 3/31. I'm grateful I was in a position to move to FL to help her recover. Being able to be there is something I will be eternally grateful for and it also made me realize that I will, of the 4 of us, be the one caring for mom & D ultimately, as they get older.
*I discovered who my real friends are and that sometimes people do extraordinary things to help and, as a side note, I appreciate it more than could possibly be put into words.
*I got even more grateful and humble than I have ever been before.
*I got to witness the Sox almost make it to the WS.
*I got to meet my extraordinary, awesome niece, Emily and stand up to my bestest friend ever's wedding in July.
*Got to play golf some with Dad & D in July.
*I am learning HTML.
*I'm seeing cool traits in people that I wouldn't have seen except for the circumstances as they've unfolded this year.
*I got one of my best friends back & I couldn't be more grateful for that and for the love and inspiration if I tried.
*I got into a college course for Comp TIA A+ to basically be a Help Desk person, which has been interesting, insightful, a lot of work and I just did my last test tonite and got a 92%!! Next step is studying hard for the Certification exam next month.
*I was informed by Jimmy that he couldn't keep me which was a huge blessing in disguise as the comments/referral have garnered me more work/new clients which I love.
*The defeat of McCain and the crackpot politics of this year have inspired me to create a new website which, at it's foundation, will be an educational, non-partisan tool to finally make the people we elect do what they say they're going to do or they can get the heck out and let someone else try! People gotta be informed and once you get angry, you get over it and decide what positive thing you're going to do!
*I learned that some people make some interesting decisions in their lives and once you've said your piece, it's your job to shut up and observe. Sometimes too, it's important to just shut up.
*I've learned that a lot of times you just gotta let events unfold, as rough as it is, and gleen the lessons blended with the events.
*I've finally really in my head let the idea of things with R just go. We are friends and that's it. Period. End of story.
*I've gotten stronger in my faith and more grateful.
*I've discovered that sometimes you think you know something but you really have to live it/go there to actually get it so you can then affect change regarding it.
*I've discovered that all friends have a time in your life and sometimes they're off doing their thing so you can have an open slot for someone else (and sometimes we don't realize that!)
*I've discovered that 2009 will be the year that I get a man, the man, get back to my life in Raleigh, start to get out of department, put me 1st so I can put others 1st, take people off my priority list if I am not on theirs, see the ATL, visit friend L in DC, Dad & co. in ME, Boston for July 4th weekend and have the money to do it too!

Here's to making lemonade always!

The Long Road

2008-11-11T01:49:00.002-05:00

So, I'm reading a book abotu moving on and I'm planning on working thru my issues once and for all, letting it all die or at least reconciling it and moving on. Stronger and better for it, one would like to hope.

I know I hate fighting, I hate getting mad and I hate them both because I know I've always been taught that I'm not allowed to be angry or mad or anything and thusly..I haven't honored a lot of negative feelings in my life and they need to be honored. so, it begins.

Truth, Lies & Family

2008-11-09T13:59:00.002-05:00

SO, I knew that my step-dad does not like me, does not like that I'm here living with them...if I failed to exist he'd be fine with that. He wants my mother all to himself. Period.

Well, I talked to my gramma today, mom's mom, and was telling her what's going on and so forth. Before we drove up there for her 85th birthday party, Dave apparently called her and asked her to take me for a walk and convince me to stay in Thorp and live with her. He's flat out said he would get a truck and 'ship you and your crap to your dad's tomorrow.' In front of my mother.

We went out Friday night, he and I, to dinner and then to the GetDown and Gov's mall. So basically I am an evil person, I do not pray, I am naive, cruel and only out for myself. I do not care about anyone but me and even if I had money I still wouldn't...I'm sorry, wait, are we still talking about me?! Yes, in Dave's world, we are. I am a burden.

He is on his way to Orlando to spend time with my mom, as I elected not to go, because he wants to spend time with her..just her...I elected not to go not in order to hurt my mother, though I realize I did that too, but because after Dave's little hissy fit, I'm trying to be as uninvolved as humanly possible.

Every 34 year old wants to be at home, living with their parents in a town meant for retirees and college people, putting their life on hold until they can get back to the regularly scheduled program known as their life.

Does it hurt? Yes. Piss me off? Ah yes, that too! Make me want to pretty much work non-stop to save money & pay down bills and get out of here. You better freakin' believe it!

I am going to begin really dealing with my issues, crying my way thru all this stuff, so I can move on with my life, bigger, better, happier and way more successful than before. That and debt-free. One day at a time. I will get there...

Voting Informed

2008-11-02T21:38:00.003-05:00

So, my friends are fairly evenly split between D's and R's, those who will actually pay attention when I share some relevant political tidbit with them and those who 'respect me' but will not listen or read because they feel very strongly about their person, party & cause(s). I get it; fear is a curious thing. Hell, truth is a curious thing. We live in a society wherein if you repeat some random statement, "fact" or idea enough times, people stop questioning it. The Obama campaign has sort of gotten to a point where, remembering my visit to the Holocaust Museum and my history lessons re: WWII & the Holocaust, I sort of feel like it's Germany again in the 1930s only it's not. It's the US in 2008. Think about it. You can dig up, elude to and flat out state almost anything negative about McCain and/or Palin and/or Republicans and the media is on it like homeless people on bread scraps (don't even THINK about chastising me for saying that!). I have discovered that the mere suggestion of any negativity of any kind the references Obama gets you damned, label some not very pretty things and giving that "you, in the corner! NOW!" look.

So, I was having a discussion with someone close to me with whom I have major differences of opinion regarding politics. This person feels I am a naive idiot, that 'years of devastating Republican rule have ruined my life' [because President Bush forced me to work in real estate, etc]and that things will be hugely improved under Obama. UH, yeah, riiiigggghhhhttt. So, I say, 'so I know you hate Bush and McCain because he is Bush, which makes me question your contact prescription because it's obviously not improving your sight, but did you go to Obama's website and actually read his positions on the issues? Did you go to McCain's website and read his positions on the issues or are you just so hateful and misguided that you can't even be bothered to read?'

He looked at me and blathered on about how terrible Bush is and so on and so forth. It is the standard counter-argument of not just him but many people who are Obama backers. I said,"I am, in fact, a Republican but I am also a student of political science, it's what my degree's in. It's what I spent hundreds of hours on and so I know that 'because' is not an answer, you should never follow unquestioningly any path be it religious, political or 'because your mom and dad/whoever is so so too should you be'. I took the time to read Obama's entire agenda/platform as well as McCain's."

He of course was shocked by this. Why I have no idea. I surmise it is because he and many like him have latched on to Obama and the media lovefest with unquestioning fervor.

I believe strongly in the process of democracy, know that many people hate facts, get very angry when the truth outs and it is not convenient for them, and also know that it's not enough to say 'I voted.' The new standard must be 'I voted informed.'

If you haven't yet voted, go read up on both candidates. Please take the time to read either their entire platform or, if you're pressed for time, the information on the subjects/causes nearest your heart. Even if you're die-hard one way or the other, for democracy's sake, go to www.McCain.com or www.BarackObama.com and just read. Then vote according to whose closest to what you envision your life and your country's path being. You might surprise yourself...oh, and remember, it's between you and your higher being, if you believe in one.

This is really that important.

Sometimes You're a Bridge to Somewhere

2008-10-30T00:54:00.002-04:00

So, I have been friends with someone for, geez, 2 years next month & I've pushed, pulled & pursuaded her from what seems like one life to another, from living as others want her to to how she wants to, sort of. There are tremendous good things there like standing up for herself even when it hurts others, not caring what others think of her, gaining self-esteem and the list goes on...then there's the addiction thing.

Sometimes you go from crack to meth or from cigarettes to alcohol or eating to shopping. Well, she's conquered a lot but the attention addiction. Well, it's been about 3 weeks since I've said word one to her. I am fairly confident that I'm a reason. I am not a lifetime friend. Sometimes you're not a lifetime friend, you're a bridge. You convince someone to take a step they desperately need to take while promising you will be right there with them when they freak out and wanna go back. And then you follow through and are there for them, regardless. You scream, you holler, you pat the back, you praise and you get them to where they need to be.

She is one of those people who, bless her heart, is an attention whore. She's got attention from here to there and back again and has not noticed that I have commented on absolutely nothing on her blog for weeks. It doesn't appear to bother her as her new life, the new attention, the whole bit is filling every moment not occupied by real life as mom, wife, etc.

It is not that I don't feel appreciated; sometimes God has you do things for a bigger reason. You fulfill the reason, you build the bridge, you part the sea and then, your job done, you go on to do another good deed.

She reminds me of a friend of mine, years ago, who really was an addict. She had worked for me at one point but got fired because she missed bout a week of work due to being in a crack house or someplace in Boston high as a kite or passed out. Well, months later, when nobody could find her, a hunch led me to find her and I'm standing in some place, some setting so totally foreign to me, it was like 'ok, so how the hell do I do this?' Long story short, I got her out of there with the help of an angel and, though she's no longer here, at least at that time, in that place, I was able to do something bigger than myself, able to help her conquer an addiction, at least for a time. Fast-forward back to this case, I do not believe this time, this place, it is mine to fix. This time it is not up to me. When I said I was done, I believe I actually meant it.

Real Fans

2008-10-20T18:10:00.002-04:00

So, to make a long story short & keep this anonymous, a close friend of mine suffered for being a Red Sox fan. In a very real way.

A little while back I was accused of labeling someone else as 'not a true fan'.

Last season, as the Sox went to the World Series, we had people join our group who, you could tell by their chants, knowing nicknames for players, etc. that they were true fans, maybe even die hard fans who just hadn't discovered our group. There were also people who, you could tell, were bandwagon fans, just wanting to cheer on a winner. Lovely.

So, then this year, as I would watch the occasional Rays game at Tropicana field or I would catch highlights of a game, more the latter than the former, I noticed something. They had no fans. Or very few fans. You see Fenway Park, it is packed from the 1st game to the last, most of the time SRO, if you're lucky. Real fans; fans who are there often or watch the games on MLBtv, at a bar, on their computers, listening on the radio or,as I sometimes do, keeping track of it from my cell phone. Fans who know that when you hear what sounds like booing around Sox fans, there is a darn good chance Kevin Youkilis is at bat or has just done something great and we're yelling "Yooouuukkkk". Fellow fans, the team, Rem Dawg, they're family. Loyal, humble, dedicated, go do your best and it's OK regardless of the outcome. Fans who know the history, know the ups and downs, know that wins rock and the loses cut deep. Fans who wear the fandom on their sleeves, hearts, clothes, cars, office desks and so forth. Red Sox fans are unyielding in their love of and faith in their team. We don't forsake our team at a loss or decide not to go because we disagree with a management decision, we're one of the fan bases that knows the who, what, where, when, how and why of our team and our front office.

When the old owners were debating a new ballpark on the parking lot currently catty corner from the players' entrance, 450,000 signatures said 'no, we like Fenway, we want Fenway, don't TOUCH Fenway.' We won and, after Fenway was purchased by new owners as passionate fans as we are, and they agreed to improve her, and did so, we trusted them. We also liked the 2 World Series titles they helped us earn too! We rallied hard to get our Powers that Be to re-sign Lowell and they did.

Then you have bandwagon fans, wannabe's who don't get it but the team by them is good so they'll be a 'fan'. One of my beloved friends say something to me about judging people and their fandom. Well, here's my point. Red Sox fans fill Fenway Park day in, day out. Red Sox fans are there year round, whether it's hot stove time, GM/winter meetings, ST, Opening Day, the All Star Break or end of the season. A lot of other clubs' fans do this in varying degrees but then there are clubs where this is SO not the case.

Case in point: the Rays! Yes, the Rays! A friend of mine went on their website to 'get tickets' for a few random games and the closest seat she could get...hello, right behind home team dugout?! You gotta know someone or marry into seats like that at many a ballpark. With the except of game 7 of the ALCS, there were seats 'tarped off' because they weren't being used. Game 7, I'd bet ya dinner more than 1/2 those seats were Red Sox fans. In fact, they were giving away tickets to the game, GAME 7 of the ALCS mind you, last night outside the Trop!!! Real fans believe in the heart and soul of their team, the players, the goal. Rays fans are the definition of bandwagon fans. I mean, seriously, did most St. Pete/TB residents even know there was an MLB team there in, say, September?! I mean, you'd see highlights of games on ESPN, the club playing good baseball, but empty seats abound! And now they made the playoffs their so-called fans are coming out in droves?! Child, please! If you have to give away free tickets or pay people to come see the team, that's not a fan...that's pathetic!

Granted, there are some Rays fans who have been fans since the start, since back when they sucked and were the Devil Rays, D Rays for those of us who think saying 'Devil' takes way too much effort. But the blue mohawks, the idiotic cowbells...people, please! When the Fenway Faithful yell and cheer so loudly that we drown out the cowbells....message to the Rays...your team ain't 1/2 bad...too bad your fans suck!!!

Someone asked me who I'd root for...uh, really no one but if I gotta pick, I say GO PHILLIES!! At least their fans have been fans for more than 3 weeks!

In Losing There Is Still Winning

2008-10-20T17:55:00.002-04:00

So, here I sit, like hundreds and thousands of Red Sox fans, trying to rub, heat, cool & soothe the wound that is not making it to the World Series by thismuch. Last night, as I was watching the last innings, keeping faith, as we are prone, as Sox fans, to doing, my mind kept sliding to 'go Philllies!' and I couldn't figure out why...until we lost.'

So today, as I'm still taking it in, watching the world move around me as I slog along between a very bad cold/flu/serious lack of appetite amd the loss, I'm thinking 'things could be worse.' Most of my fellow fans agree. With Lowell, Papi (Ortiz to those of you not in the inner sanctum) and Beckett among others noticeably hurting, we somehow made it to the post-season. Then we made it thru the ALDS, out playing the Angels, who if we're being specific should be the LAAA but who cares. We made the Rays go 7 which, in my mind is important. We battled back. We played our hearts out and we left every last drop of anything at all on the field. That is the best, coolest, most heroic way to play the game, win or lose. No, we don't get rings and a kick-ass parade this year. We do however, get to hold our heads high and be both grateful and proud of a job very, very well done by our team. Thru ailments, weirdness, Manny being Manny, position changes, additions and subtractions, we made it to the post-season and damn nearly to the World Series. Nobody starts the season with the idea that they're going to play 162 games and go home. Your goal in any sport is not just to finish that game/day/race/match on top but to win the whole damn thing!

I will say, our 8-7 comeback in game 5 made me laugh out loud. Our game 6 win had me going 'neener-neener' even as I knew how hard game 7 was going to be. We lost but we won. We have the best, most die-hard fans in any sport, in my humble opinion. Thru snow, wind, rain, driving rain, cold, hot, we sit, we stay, we watch & cheer. Thru 9 innings or more we sit and are loyal. We played awesome baseball. Lester threw brilliantly. We won because we stuck together, we played as a team, through the season, thru the bumps. We know when to say 'I screwed up, I should have done more', when to say nothing and when to say praise our teammates. We got rid of Manny, the malignancy noone really knew was there until it got all sorts of funky and we removed/released it!

We win as a team; we lose as a team. I am so very proud of this team because we conquered adversity and did it anyway! That's winning all day long.

Work from Home!! Really!!

2008-10-04T19:28:00.002-04:00

Let's be honest...the economy's not great. Even for those of us with college degrees and mountains of experience.

"I know! I know! What can I do, though?" You ask.

Well, I'll be honest, and tell you that first I kinda tore myself apart, blaming myself, trying to figure out what I had done wrong and any and every other thing I could think of. Lots of digging to find problems, causes, possible solutions.

So, I've found a few really great, legitimate work from home opportunities and thought I'd share.

E-mail adminassistadapps@gmail.com for more information.

Got That Sinking Feeling?....It's Not Just You!

2008-10-01T00:34:00.002-04:00

So, 2 years and 2 days ago, my grampa passed away. 10/2 will be 2 years since we buried him. 11/1 will be 2 years since I was fired...the 1st time....to save $43K! 3/7 of this year, 2008, I was fired/layed off the 2nd time. 2 different companies, same industry. The 1st time I never saw it coming the 2nd time, I saw it coming, internally and externally.

Now, allow me to explain. The 1st company had 'created a new position [just for me]' if you ever are interviewed for something like this, say NO!! Unless they have a very clear PD, say NO!! I had been yelled at once or twice but nothing fire-worthy, or so I thought. It was, little did I know, the beginning of their downslide. It's taken less than 2 years and they're on their last leg. New construction, and all the people, subs, vendors it employs are taking a hit. My boss called me into the HR office at 4:15 in the afternoon and said 'we're going in a different direction and no longer require your services. We'll be giving you a month's severance pay and a recommendation.'

I guess I was supposed to freak out, thrash around, ball hysterically, make a scene and heaven knows what else. I had never been let go before so I just got teary, said 'ok', packed up my stuff and left. Found out about 2 weeks after it happened that several people knew it was coming and didn't bother to say anything. (When they later also were fired, I am assuming they finally understood what I went through.) I got home, called my mom and told her, updated my resume, called a few other friends and lost it later that night. I just couldn't even figure out what I had done wrong, what I could have done better or any of the rest. That is one of the most daunting things about losing your job. Unless you're reprimanded or you see things are ugly around you, it's a shock to your system. There's also no point in questioning, pondering, going thru the 900 'what if's' or any of the rest of it. Human nature dictates that we'll do this because we want to 'fix it' in our psyche, except you can't. I started looking for jobs 11/1, in the evening, woke up the next morning and my mind was upside down...I remember waking up and thinking 'well, this is interesting...I have no place to be...' I made it my business to apply for jobs daily, hard core, after I'd taken some time to 'absorb it'. After nearly 2 months of unemployment, I landed a job with a real estate firm, the first one, out of more than 300 apps submitted, that called me for an interview. I needed a job. I was sorta interested in it...

Cut to 3/7/08. I'm at my desk. My co-worker had taken the day off as a travel day so I was by myself. It was raining, a Friday, about 4:30 or so. I was putting a listing into the computer. My boss came in and said he needed to talk to me. I had earned more last year than they did, they being my co-bosses, who owned the company. That was a problem and so they were going to have to let me go. There was a lot swirling in my head at the time. I cried at my desk, as I packed it up, because it was not a good time to lose my job [not that there is ever a good time but I digress], I was angry I had worked my butt off and for what? and I was mad I hadn't 'beat the clock' as it were...and found a new job 1st. Backtracking to September 2007, I remember the day that Homebanc in Raleigh closed. I had a buyer call me and say 'is it a bad thing when I cannot get a hold of my bank? I went over to their office and there's a chain and lock on the door.' Um, yes, that's a bad thing. Several days later, I talked to a girl who, several days prior, had been a loan officer at Homebanc. She still had personal affects at the office and they were letting them in, 2 at a time, with a security guard, to get their stuff out [because the security dude wouldn't notice if you're stealing something and because, really, Homebanc was gonna miss that extra pen!]. She was at Countrywide now and told me that they had just received a 'cash injection of $10 million to write loans through 12/31'. It was in that moment, back in SEPTEMBER 2007, that I went home and started looking in earnest for a new job...I looked at our numbers daily and knew we weren't closing homes so we weren't getting paid. This wasn't as big a shock, or maybe it was, but for very different reasons. I saw this lay off coming but it's like the death of a loved one, you can KNOW they're going to pass away and yet, when it happens, it stills obliterates the world you were in just minutes before. So I had looked, and looked, put feelers out everywhere...and kept seeing houses not selling, other agents being out of work, AHM closing out of nowhere and the list went on. Those of us in banking/real estate/mortgages saw this coming...but it's kinda like a hurricane...you can "prep" yourself but then it's a matter of waiting for the inevitable and hoping it's not 'the worst'.

I never in a million years thought I would be able to say to someone who is unemployed 'I know how you feel.' and be able to empathize with that person. I do know how it feels. I never thought, with a college degree, years of experience, the whole gamut, that I would ever be without a job. It is not fun but I've learned a lot. I have also run the gamut of emotions. Happy I don't have to dress up, put on make up, deal with chick drama or office politics, waste gas money, sit in traffic. Pissed off because I dont' have to do those same things. Angry with myself for not seeing it...for not finding a job in time, for not having been a better employee, done more, worked harder.

I am happy about several things though. My mom was in a head on collision 3/31 and I was able [thanks to the generosity of one of my best friends & the lack of a job] to go be with her when she had surgery and help take care of her and the house and keep it together when it fell apart. God blessed me with that. I was forced to move in with my parents again because I ran out of money and couldn't get UEBs again. I moved back to FL, where I still am, and have been blessed with being able to help my mom thru her recovery, humor my step-dad and tend the house.

I am happy that I know that my friends, all of them, in fact, are real friends. I owe some of them apologies for not keeping in better touch but you get to a point where you don't want to share your sadness, issues, situation with them...you feel like nobody needs to hear your story.

I am happy that I found legitimate sources for online employment which rock! It's something, right?!

I am happy that I'm re-training in IT work and HTML because it will provide a foundation for great jobs and a great future.

I am happy that I am able, every day, to find things to be grateful for, to realize how very blessed I am.

Am I perky every day? No. DO I have days when I want to scream? I do. I cry every now and again, I let myself feel the negative stuff because I have to honor it. When I say 'it's nobody's fault' do I believe that? Yes, I do. Owners have to pay themselves 1st. The point of blaming others would be? Why would I waste my time spewing negative emotions? Who does that help? I'm not saying you shouldn't do it...it's just not for me.

I believe in God, that he will never give me more than I can handle, that I am stronger than I know how to be, that I am more than I think I am and that everything will be OK.

If you need a lift, a shoulder or whatnot, leave a comment...working on getting a link on here so you can e-mail me. I've been there, I'm still quasi-there and I'm happy to do what I can to honor the negative, uplift you where I can and offer advice and direction, if you like...I listen well too.

My Challenge to My Friends...

2008-09-30T01:50:00.003-04:00

So, if you know me you know that every time there's an election, I repeat several [hundred] times that you must vote, you live in a country where it is a right...where people don't shoot at you, you can choose...and it is your duty as a citizen. My friends are always astonished when I post stuff with info on all candidates, issues, party stuff, etc...well, duh! It's called a choice, people! I assume my friends can read and think and thusly judge for themselves. Not that complicated!

So, this year, I believe, will be unique...for many, many reasons. I have a unique challenge for my friends and anyone else who reads this....go beyond voting. 'What?' you ask. 'Uh, ok...what do you mean?'

I mean, google the US Senate and House sites, find out who represents you and how you contact them. Sign up for the updates about legislation, current issues of interests [which you can customize] and so on. Now, instead of sitting back and watching stuff like the mortgage crisis happen and blaming, wondering, fingerpointing and posturing,DO something. It takes surprisingly little effort to make yourself heard.

A perfect example, today, 9/29/08, Congress was ready to vote on the $700 Billion dollar Economic Crisis Act. Both sides had the required votes. Millions of citizens, constituents of these Represenative, called, faxed and e-mailed their objection to the bail out and look what happened. It failed. Yes, something needs to happen and yes, it tanked the stock market but the upside of it, and yes, there's an upside, democracy was in action and the people who represent us and our interests in Washington [oh yeah, that thing we elect and PAY THEM to do!] did their job, listened to those they represent and said 'no'. So Congress doesn't get their usual long break. Deal with it!

If 1/4 of the eligible citizens of this country got 'in the know', paid attention and spoke up via phone, fax or e-mail 25% of the time, it would change politics as usual. Obama can't do it alone. Even though he and his supporters seem to think he's the Messiah, he is not. [for those of you to whom that's a body blow, take a moment] McCain can't do it alone. Yup, he is a maverick and he's angered his party many times by saying 'uh, ok, this is not ok or good for the American people so I'm voting not how the President or GOP leaders want me to vote but how I can best rep the people who sent me here.'

The point is, if you can spend 15 min to an hour kavetching, whining and complaining [yes, that means you too!!], spend 5-15 minutes figuring how who is your voice in DC, how you contact them to let them hear your voice and let's get a move on!

Politics as usual stops when we say it does...you with me?

Here we go again..Again!

2008-09-22T00:25:00.003-04:00

Ok, so this is gonna go a smidge off track then come back to my point...because I'm sure I have one. LOL

So, M & D got back from their vacation today. The house, spotless. Their master bath floor, stunning if I do say so myself. Pain in the butt but needed done. I'm proud of me! :p They were rested, seemed calmer and for about 5 minutes, I think D really was gonna get that $12 subscription to Playboy...until mom was giving him that look like 'excuse me...excuse me?!' Seriously, the Playboy of now has like 3 nude chicks, they're typically silicone and seriously, you do read it for the articles nowadays. But, I digress.

So they're watching the Packers/Cowboys game and Barber, who plays for the Cowboys, gets an interception and is running the ball, virtually unobstructed, down the field...and D says, something with the evil N word at the end. I called him out. Not for the yelling or screaming part because heaven knows, I do it too! I lost my voice last year from screaming so much between baseball and hockey. What got me was the use of the N word. He starts in on me, kinda, then lays off when I explain that I don't care what era you were raised in, or that you're mad, the N word doesn't fly. Mom agreed with me and he apologized. I called black people out for saying it, too! Nobody needs to be saying it.

OK, so now onto the next happy bit. So, Thurs evening I go to work on my job, the pt online one. I get an e-mail from my boss saying to please stop working until further notice. I knew it was coming and, since I had time to think last week, I had a plan of action coming into fruition...but I was on the 'frui' not the 'ion' if you know what I mean. So needless to say, I've been applying for various admin jobs so I can work...because dudes and dudettes, as much as I love FL and I do love the weather and so on, I love Raleigh, I miss my friends and for real, I have seen um 4 Sox games this year...plus, I need to pay my bills, etc etc and move on with my life. I did my 2nd class less for my 1st of 3 computer courses and I love it! I cannot wait to take a computer apart! Working on getting one to take apart...like, as in, not one someone needs to actually use ever again. :) Kinda like your 1st stitches as an intern should not be performed on a human being.

I have an interview on Tuesday at 10 for a PT job working for a realtor. I know, I know. But sometimes jobs choose you. Jason left this last Tuesday...I wish him well. My lesson from all that? I cannot date or marry someone who's not a sports fan! They don't get it. Nothing wrong with not being a fan, you just don't get the passion, the obsession and therefore, cannot date me. It is a large part of my life. Like I've told many people,'my haht [heart] lives at Fenway Pahk [park] with Doris'. That last part is a long but touching story. Needless to say, I have cheered, celebrated, cried, sobbed and everything in between as a fan. As I told D tonight, I will never diss you for yelling at the TV because I do it too! Early and often. Yes, I am aware that they can't hear me. hell, they can't even hear you at Fenway! At least not distinctly.

So, this week is phone call city, I could probably handle 2 jobs as well. We shall see. Or do 2 til it kicks my butt then quit 1 or something like that.

At any rate, say a lil prayer for me and off I go...LOL

1st Day of the Rest of My Life? Again? LOL

2008-09-17T17:52:00.003-04:00

I started my 1st course, of 3, that will prep me for the Comp TIA A+ Certification Exams. I found out, while and because of being un/nder employed that I love computers, coding, fixing stuff, etc and thusly this course. Administrative work isn't work. I don't want to be 'in charge', if you will, because my 2-5 year plan involves marriage and kids and so my career will be something I love but will pay the bills as opposed to keeping me enslaved in an office. I'm over that workaholic crap as it has gotten me...that's right NOWHERE!!!

So, as I begin class. 1st lesson was pretty cool. 2nd one comes out Friday. I'm working on a variety of house projects in the parental unit dual absence. :) Cleaning grout, detailing cars, etc.

Also working, ad posting, reading, etc....

Caught off guard

2008-09-11T22:46:00.003-04:00

So I'm watching 102 Minutes, a documentary of 9/11 on the History Channel that pieces together video tape from various eye-witness accounts from apartments, trains, the ground, people's offices, you name it.

I used to live and work in Boston, at a newsstand in Copley Place. It's gone now but back in the late 90s, I got all kinds of clientele. The gang kids, the porn stars, the office peeps, the cops, the tourists, the rich foreigners there for medical treatment, a diverse clientele. 2 of the people I met became friends. Michael and Michelle. They were both Boston raised, both in bad neighborhoods, both in bi-lingual homes.

I lost touch with them around 2000 and so sent Chrismas cards and whatnot. I got a Christmas card, in, I think, March of 2002, from Michelle's mom. Her baby, my friend, Michael's wife, had died on 9/11. they had moved to NYC because the NYPD had offered them bonuses to come to the department, in a bid to increase minority officer numbers. Mickie and Mishy and both gone, her mom wrote. They live in Brooklyn and, on 9/11, Mishy'd called her mom to say it was her day off and she was going for a run then to do errands. Mickie was working a short shift.
Mishy's mom made her promise to call everyday before and after her shifts. It wasn't optional and Mishy always did it.
Her mom wrote that shortly after the 2nd tower was hit, Mishy called her to say she was going in and that she would call when she was home. or Mickie would call if she was too tired. Nobody called her. She didn't sleep for 3 days until finally she fell asleep of exhaustion and woke up late Friday night. She knew when she heard nothing on the 12th that Mishy hadn't made it out. 'I knew she was in heaven, I just knew.' I remembered her saying.

Cut to tonight. I'm watching this documentary and it's just random footage from average Joes, random images from all different places and angles. There's someone shooting a large group of NYPD officers and other 1st responders and then all of a sudden I see her, my friend Mishy, with this bicycle like helmet on, her small self there for a just a minute, prepping to go into 1 of the towers, to help people. Then it was gone.

I still, 7 years later, have moments when I think it's just a really bad dream. I know it's not; I know my life has changed tremendously since that day. Iknow that when the names were read at Ground Zero today, Mishy and her husband's were uttered.

When I asked her mom how she knew it was Mishy, she said 'they found enough of her to identify her and declare her dead. Also they brought her to me.'
Mishy would want us to remember she died doing what she loved, what she wanted and needed to be doing.

I miss my friend more today and I know that the best way I can remember her is to make sure people don't forget, get complacent, deny it. Remember that it happened, lest it happen again.

9/11....where were you 7 years ago today?

2008-09-11T20:30:00.003-04:00

I remember...like it was yesterday as it were. I was at work, beautiful day in FL. Getting the day started, thinking about a prep session for a test on, I think it would have been Thursday, the 13th. I had tried to access the 'net but got an error and figured I'd try later, not that important. The owner of the company I worked for calls me at about 10 of 9 and says 'honey, I'm on my way in. A plane hit the WTC tower. We're under attack. Go tell Linda [my boss] and I'll be in shortly.'

I walk into her office and repeat word for word what he's said and she's like 'what are you talking about?' I said what I normally said,'Just repeating what I've been told to tell you.' I go back to my desk and I have this panic in me because I try the internet again, foxnews.com is my homepage and I can't get on it. So, I call home, scream into the answering machine, which is in the kitchen, for Nicole, my roommate, to please wake up and turn on the TV and tell me what's going on. She does and about a minute later says 'Oh my God!' and I'm trying to hear, to no avail and saying, 'what? what's wrong? what's going on? what happened?' knowing the whole time, about a minute in reality, that something very, very bad is happening because Nicole does not do silent. Like ever.
"A plane hit the World Trade Center. It's on fire..." So I try to go on the weather channel site. "What's the sky look like?"
"Clear, bright, sunny."
Something is wrong, something is very, very wrong. I'm thinking to myself.
"Oh shit!" she says along with something else I don't remember.
"What?" I ask her because I can't get anywhere on the web, at all.
"Another plane just hit the 2nd tower!" She doesn't handle negative well so she's just in total awe.
"Bin Laden!" I said. I just knew. I hated that I knew but I just did.
The truth is, there were supposed to be 10 planes hitting the WTC buildings, Capital, White House, the Pentagon, Sears Tower, LAX airport, some monument in LA, the Space Needle and some building in Miami. 10 planes. I'd studied Al quaeda and Bin Laden since he was our buddy in the 80s, back when we hated the Soviets.
So, she's telling me about the fire and how it's clear out and I'm telling her what I think I know and she has no idea what I'm talking about.
Then comes news the Pentagon's been hit and a plane's gone down in a field in PA.
I'm asking the girl w/the radio in our office like every 2 minutes if all the planes are out of the sky yet? Various people in the office are trying to make sure their people are safe and OK. Our office had several Pentagon people among the friends.

They closed the FSU campus and, as Gov. Bush was the President's brother, the normal cut-throughs in Tallahassee were no longer. For most of that fall, I had to navigate new ways to classes and the like. Military planes would go overhead.

I remember finding out later that there were military fighter jets deployed from an air base in New England that were aout 5 minutes behind the 2nd WTC plane and the PA plane. Had those planes caught up to the hijacked planes, they would have been blowing up those planes. Those are orders. Communication with the ATC towers was already gone so those 2 planes were toast either way.

I remember knowing that at least 2 of those planes had to have come out of Logan. Another story entirely but needless to say, I worked there for a while. You learn stuff. You might not want to but you do.

Nicole and I went to NYC for 5 days in Nov 02. Amazing how the flags, momentos, cups, people...it was all still there. I remember closing my eyes and hearing it, seeing it again and thinking I couldn't live here. Every time I heard a plane I thought 'geez, that's a little close isn't it?'

It is now 7 years later. Each year I've stopped on 9/11 to thank God, thank our troops, thank Bush for keeping us safe. Someday when I have children, I will tell them about 9/11 and, as my niece says, 'the bad men with planes'. Then I will tell them about how we forgot politics and bound together to be one, to support each other, the victims, the witnesses, all of us.

I wish the things that could have been signals were heeded but that's 20/20 and not worth the 'what ifs'. Instead, we move on, remembering especially on 9/11, the things, people, places, innocence we lost that day. The day that stopped. The day that made all things 'pre-9/11' and 'post-9/11'.

Never Give Up!

2008-09-07T23:52:00.003-04:00

We were 5 games back, they were rockin' it! People were saying 'just pay attention to the Wild Card Race'. We are now 1.5 games back of the Rays going into a 3-game home stand series with them, Lester on the mound to start it.

I believe in us.

The Politics of the Va-jay-jay.

2008-09-07T23:34:00.002-04:00

Sarah Palin. Mother of 5. Jock sorta. Reformer. Governor. Hunter. Imperfect. Target of much maliciousness and sexism. Lesser va-jay-jay than say...Hillary.

Now, if you're wonder what a va-jay-jay is, it's a woman's 'utility', because heaven forbid we say (cough) vagina (cough).

Nope, this is not another long rant about abortion, well not in principle anyway. I would have thought that, with Governor Palin's nomination as the mom, career woman, 'hockey mom', every woman type that she is, women would have been cheering coast to coast. Not so much. I understand that people who are Dems are not going to like her period, might even hate her because she is the GOP ticket where Hillary "should have been/was 'entitled to be'" on the Dem ticket, which is not her fault but that's really not the point. I discovered that when we want "women" in goverment, what that means is we want "(pro-choice) women" in positions of power in government. If you are pro-life, it's akin to being a black Republican, you're a traitor, not 'all about women' (even though you are one!) and the list goes on!

This bothers me because, while I agree that the abortion issue is a relevant on some level, it is not an issue that a VP would have any concern over. What bothers me much more is that she is being vilified by women on the left, in the Hollywood elite who, believe it or not, have clout. She's a mom, she's ordinary, she's every woman, she's brave and strong and blunt. What's not to love about her? Oh yes, she's a Republican! It saddens me to realize that a GOP woman is less valuable and more vilified because it is assumed she is pro-life, which just will not do, and treated like she can't possibly be...what? A strong voice for women? When the pro-choice movement and women on the left get their heads out of their backsides or the sand, they will maybe realize that a woman who is about the people is a huge asset to this country.

Hillary Clinton, despite her being 'all about the people' and 'getting the American people' is about all about the people as I am male and gets the American people like animals 'get' humans. When was the last time Rover actually spoke a sentence in English to ya? Exactly!

As I have no desire to live in a socialized country, I do not care to get even less of my paycheck than I already do (that $0.74 of every dollar is a strain, $0.65 would make me very poor), have the government dicating any more than it already does and the list goes on!

My point is, the media has held the GOP and Gov. Palin to a different standard than that of Obama/Biden and it is important for women to stand behind her.

If I Do Not Rant, I Will Burst!!

2008-09-07T02:01:00.002-04:00

Most people would like a party in their honor, yes? A surprise party would be ducky too, yes?! OK, so the backstory....

3/31 My Mom is in a head on collision that, thank God, didn't kill her. She's kickin' ass & takin' names recovering although she finds things just about every day that are new and ponderous [e.g. where did that pain come from..never felt that one before.] but nonetheless, she's fighting and winning.

5/something. I don't know the actual date, doesn't matter. My step-dad turned 65 and, because a whole lot of crap was going on with her recovery and whatever, my mom couldn't have the 2 parties, one here and one in WI, with family, that she wanted to.

Today. So we've been planning a 'thank you' party for the people/friends who helped in some way after the crash & while we worked thru recovery. Then mom decided to add a "let's surprise Dave & get him a cake for his belated birthday." Great idea, right?! He doesn't know about it naturally. Well, bear in mind that he, who is 65 not 5 mind you, behaves like he's 5 when he doesn't get his way...gets cranky, pissy, crabby, self-centered, no one loves him or spends time with him, my mom spends all her time with me [yeah, riiiiigggghhhhttt!!] and the list goes on. So, to make a long story short, we left shortly after he did, to get the cake and some napkins. We thought we had an hour. We also thought he was 65 and therefore grown up. Or NOT!! So we get home and....he's home. So we get out of the car, mom & I, and he greets us, pissed at mom because 'you'd rather spend time with your daughter than me, I thought you didn't feel good...' Just lit up pissed off and so mom, mid-justification, screams at him 'you wanna know why we went out? where we went?' She goes and gets the cake out of the car and goes [with tears in her eyes, mind you...except that slapping him is A & B in FL, I'd have done it, I was that pissed at him.] 'I wanted it to be a surprise but never mind!'

So, he doesn't know what to say...but he also hasn't in 65 years of existing, figured out "I'm sorry" yet either. So, about an hour later, I'm still livid, after he berates her for wanting to surprise him, to do something nice for him, for "spending way too much $ on the cake!'[don't EVEN get me started on "spending money"!!] and more ranting, he says 'you don't spend any time with me [total, utter bullshit but whatthefuckever], I wanna go shopping with you.' She leaves with him to go shopping!

I find his actions so obnoxious and childish and just everything ugly...and then we're going to go to church tomorrow and he's gonna act all pious!!! It makes me wanna hit him and so damn thankful they leave for a week a week from yesterday you have NO idea!! I did tell mom that it made me very angry, that to me it is not OK behavior and that I would be seriously having a confab with him [there's more to it than just the cake but yeah...]

OK, so I'm done venting...it just really, really bothers me and, Like I told mom, I'm making plans to move out because I know he doesn't like me, or like me here, is very jealous and it's only gonna get worse but that he is close to doing irreparable damage. Hopefully I'll be able to move back to Raleigh around 1/1/09 ish.

Gustav..."Lessons Learned"

2008-09-01T22:52:00.001-04:00

Gustav was a monster storm in the gulf as it approached and we thought it would make Katrina look like child's play. It didn't. The typical damages have occurred thus far and so far, the levees, from all reports, are holding. However, one must remember that the levees post-Katrina didn't breach immediately. They're leaking a little bit now and in some cases, as Industrial Canal, water is overtopping some..but that's normal and OK. It's that massive gush that would come if the walls just plain broke open or down. Prayers that the hard work stays in place.

To assume New Orleans is out of the woods and that it was a mistake to evacuate is NOT the lesson to take from this!!

You must always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I would much rather have all those people come back to a lil flooding, maybe no power, downed trees and whatever than have stayed and had something horrible happen....again!!

It is not the fault of any government that NOLA happens to be a concave city, sitting below sea level. It's all in the response ahead of time, not after, I believe. I believe that Gov. Jindahl declaring a SOE way ahead of time, having the plan in place to take residence away from the city in close-to-orderly fashion and anticipating the worst and reacting to it, Mayor Nagin declaring a mandatory evacuation and people actually listening was important.

The downside of Gustav not being a brutal CAT3 or 4 hurricane, which thankfully it wasn't, is that a portion of the population takes a 'oh, it wasn't that bad' attitude which in all likelihood will have them deciding NOT to flee next time which, as every one is different, could again lead to tragic consequences!

New Orleans and gulf coast residents need to take a lesson from FL residents, who know all too well that you take every storm seriously because they can change on a dime, do more distruction than you think and not leaving can lead to a variety of disasterous, nee tragic, consequences.

If you left, good job! Seriously!! Never assume the best and decide to stay. Yes, you'll be a little cramped, warm, out of your element but you'll also be safe and dry and able to deal better, hopefully, with whatever awaits you at home.

Let's not assume, less than 18 hours since Gustav's landfall, that the worst is over, our city/region is safe and on we go with life.

If you're second guessing your decision to evacuate or chiding yourself having done so, don't! Again, good job!! The 'plan for the worst...' rule applies here.

If you're told to get out, do so because the time you don't, the monster storm will come knockin' and it won't be pretty.

I even stun myself.

2008-07-14T01:53:00.002-04:00

OK, so I had promised to write everyday. Then came unemployment followed by mom's accident followed by the nearly impromptu move to Tally followed by working, tending, doing, etc. here.

It's friggin' JULY!! How the hell do I always manage to get to the All Star Break going 'um, where in heck did the 1st 6 months of this year GO?? I mean SERIOUSLY!!!

So, what's new in my world. I'm working PT-FT, depends on the week and day of week, I am sorta seeing someone. Still job hunting, settling into life in Tally.

I like the someone. A lot. Sometimes you just know. I'm inclined to think I do.

Not the happiest of creatures...

2008-07-07T01:39:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I just can't do it! I am grateful for a lot of things and I also realize, in the big scheme, this crap doesn't matter...but right now btwn Cyndi's apparent backslide, the Sox losing, my tooth annoying me and being a smidge hungry....only 1 problem in there I can fix at this moment, I am just not pleased.

My Sox...GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need you all playing world series baseball & throwing strikes...consistently would be great!!! GGGGGRRRRRRR Do we not want to go back to the playoffs? If you wanna golf so badly, please go do so! Otherwise, memo to selves...I need you here. Present. Playing winning baseball. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

My tooth. Damn thing cracked. Iknew it would.

My nails...she didn't do them well or correctly so will go see her Weds. Hopefully I have the camera sold & the clarinet sold. :p

Dr. Cognetta e-mailed me back that his HR chick will be calling me for an interview. I want to work in a place where I get yelled at for not working 8/5 like I want a whole in my head!! On the upside going for that interview or whatever will shut mom & Dave up. If you've never been to where I am, and neither of them have been here, you can't speak to it. Dave's just in a complete panic 24/7 bc I'm "still there". I like living with my parents at 34! Um, NOT!!!! You can't explain poor to the wealthy, isolation of fame to people who aren't, fat to the skinny, skinny to the fat or any of the rest of it. that's a waste of breath I need to yell at my team!!!

Ok, more work tomorrow. Off to bed.

Get Smart!

2008-06-30T01:55:00.002-04:00

Normally, as most of you know, I am not a movie person. There are 2 reasons for this. 1) My illness makes me prone to nodding off in dark places and theatres tend to be breeding growns for this! 2) Most movies aren't worth the ticket price.

Recently I went with a friend to a matinee performance/showing of "Get Smart". I am NOT a Steve Carrell fan, at all. He is up there on my list with Will Ferrell of people I can't stomach in anything. Imagine my surprise at "Get Smart". Ann Hathaway is brilliant, as, admittedly, is Steve Carrell. The comic timing and the pace are brilliant. It kept me guessing and laughing from start to finish and I'm blogging about it. Go see this movie. Really. 4 stars!! :p

Days-d & Confused

2008-06-27T01:49:00.002-04:00

OK, so for months, yes months, my mom, God love her, has been telling me about this guy Jason, the son of their church friends. He's very nice and all of it and he's not married...and, would you please just meet him. [If you know my mom you know that is SOOO not a request as much as it's 'you will meet him (dammit)!'] My mother and subtle and Jason's mom and subtle are not friends...they know not subtle-ty as a concept, relative or otherwise.

I digress. A few weeks ago, mom invited the Hughes over for dinner so Jason and I could meet. He is very nice and the 4 parents were trying to give us a chance to get to know each other and whatnot. So mom had suggested to him that he ask me if I'd like to go shoot pool.

We've been out twice, once to this sports bar/pool place where we talked for 4 hours and then to a movie, Get Smart. Hilarious..but I digress.

he's good looking, I'm not in 'hello hot' ville just right now but he's very nice, sweet, not pushing himself on me, we have a lot in common.

So Dave gets a call from Anna, his daughter, then proceeds to, par for Dave, get his undies totally in a wad about Anna being mad at him because he was supposed to be in WI tonight not tomorrow night and he didn't call Anna...and so he blames mom. OK fine. So I'm like 'uh,'...and then Connie, is talking about helping homeless and poor people and I said that I'd never blame my husband for something that was clearly my error. Well it came out like I'd never help homeless or poor people...so Jason starts ribbing me and he's funny so mom, sitting next to him, is laughing til she's tearing up, as am I.

So I said something about payback and he's like 'you're not gonna have too many more opportunities'...and then when Jim, his dad, mentioned my trip to Maine over the 4th, Jason seemed sorta miffed.

So then, when mom & I left, Dave having left before us, mom hugs Connie & Jason, Jim was in bed, then I hugged them both. I feel like there might be something there worth working on. we shall see a person guesses.

Why Is "All Of This" So Hard?

2008-06-24T00:23:00.001-04:00

One of my dearest friends, who is attending both individual and marriage therapy at my urging, asked me this recently. I said,'by "all of this" I assume you mean the work, the digging up hard feelings, hurt feelings, drama, crap, old stuff, etc.?'

She: 'uh, yes'
Me:'Honey, I promise you will be, for better or worse, but most likely better, in a new, better place when all is said and done. I also promise you it will be hard work, it will hurt, it will burn, sting and make you want to just stop. The good about therapy is that once you've started....well, it's kinda like taking all the crap out of your closet, putting it everywhere to sort it into 3 categories and then put it back...only when you put it back you can see it all, find it all and everything actually fits!!!...you can't just stop and decide you're done. Well you can but then you're stuck looking at it and you're missing that space you had bc it's covered by crap you likely don't even remember you had/don't need/doesn't fit.'

I had to remind her of the rule with me: if you want me to tell you what you want to hear, tell me so I can repeat it back to you...if you want the truth, brace yourself and stand back. No, I'm serious.

So, we move on to my mom. Mom is doing amazing, seriously. She has a long, long way to go but she's doing a great job with therapy and the whole thing. So we had therapy last week and she was pouting. She doesn't like her leg brace, which is now off, thank you very much nor does she like the wrist brace, which she was told she could take off after a month..so it is now on part-time only. So she's doing her exercises and we're making the knee flex, the knee cap move. It's pretty cool but it's ridiculous too. So last week we're at her PT appointment and the therapist notices 'hey, youre braces are both off and you're not using the cane!' Mom thinks she's being cool and says something about it rubs and the other 5 excuses she uses. So then she says 'oh so you've been back to the doctor [since last I saw you, 7 days ago]?' Mom:'uh, no' Me:'she's just over it'
Therapist: 'so you're still supposed to be wearing the brace, per dr's orders, until 7/7?'
Mom: 'well, i talked to the dr's office and they said whatever i'm comfortable with.'
Mom thinks that they think less of her because she's 63 and she may 'fall'. I'm like mom, no golf, no moving that joint in that way, no pitching even! The tendon's aren't 100% yet.
GOD BLESS THE THERAPIST FOR SAYING EXSCTLY WHAT I SAID!!! and then when we got home, I made mom repeat it to Dave. I'm not trying to be mean, but I've seen dancers do some small thing they've done 1,000 times that this one time messed them up and threw them off or set them back in their recovery. Mom's getting better at putting the effort into exercising and listening to me. It is hard because you were hit head on and you were hurt in many ways. You are recovering and it's painful...but it'll be worth it when you can golf again.

I once saw an e-mail that talked about a caterpillar and the little boy who tried to help the little thing. Long story short,the caterpillar needs that struggle and the journey of growth in the cocoon before it comes out a butterfly to build strong wings and the whole thing and when the little boy tried to help by breaking the cocoon open, the butterfly was 'free' but it was also inprisoned because it couldn't sustain itself and died shortly thereafter. Things are hard to make us stronger, better...that which does not kill you....

Mine Own 101 List...

2008-06-24T00:21:00.001-04:00

One of my dear friends has created a 101 List and I've decided to do the same. Concrete ideas...with deadlines. Goals. I can do this. I will do this. :)

Watch for it!!

Choosing You.....

2008-06-16T01:47:00.003-04:00

I have 4 interesting situations with the same issue at the heart of each of these unique situations. The same choice must be made in each case.

Case 1: A close friend is just out of college, starting their life/career and they are saddled with new things, responsibilities and family stuff in addition to an interesting situation with a BFF who's out of control, in the context of their relationship. We have been friends for nearly 2 years and you'd think we've know each other since birth...this person has known their BFF for much longer but has run into an issue. The situation was explained to me and I said 'choose you.' This garnered the usual reaction: 'huh? but, wha-? wait choose me?'

Case 2: A mom who's torn in several different directions with regard to family, family-in-law and her immediate needs with her children/husband/life in their home. She told me her whole story and I said, you guessed it, 'choose you.' And again I got: 'huh? but I'm not-' me: 'you're not what? you're not selfish? you can't DO that? that's a dumb option.' her: 'why is that a dumb option? you choose to take care of you and your needs 1st. everything else comes 2nd...it's only hard to do because everyone thinks your choice is 'them or us' and it is NOT. Neither. If your core family and your personal needs are not met, you owe it to yourself, you need to respect yourself enough to put that little foot [she wears like a 5.5 and she's in her 30s] and stand firm. I got the standard silence on the other end of the phone.

Case 3: Person has graduated college with a degree in something useless [I say this because a Bachelor in anything except maybe Business or Finance is useless nowadays] and mom wants him to do one thing, dad another. So he tells me about this business venture he'd like to partake. He has a business plan, financials to do it, the mind for it and the passion for both running the business and doing the thing that the business is about. So I said 'um, choose you.' We're IM'ing. He IMs something:'duh, silly, that's not one of the choices.' So I explain to him what I explained to friends 1 & 2. If your heart is not happy, if you don't put you first, why should anyone else? If you can't manage to honor your wants, needs, your Soul's greatest need, hello?! He's told both his parents what he is doing and oddly they're being supportive [I say oddly because his parents are very starchy, this is how it's done type people. They decided not to "tell him he was gay til he was older" when they saw him secretly busting out Michael Jackson moves in the basement when he was like 9...he's in his late 20s and not at all gay.]

Case 4: I have a friend who's got a child from a previous marriage and he's dating someone with the same. They've been together over a decade, love each other very much. The problem lies in his beloved's child and ex-. His beloved's ex-hubby is for all intents and purposes insane and angry - you know the type...if I can't figure out the Rubix cube o' life and decide to be happy then no one else gets to be happy either. The ex-hubby was totally fine with the divorce 15 years ago...until he wasn't. My friend's been thru 2 deaths in 2007 and an ongoing situation that is emotionally very taxing for him. His beloved tried very hard, when she has the child in question, to be mom & dad. To compensate for her idiot, insane ex-hubby who seriously, except for that he takes his meds 3 or 4 days before court appearance so as to get the requisite sympathy/BS/drama vote from the judge. The fact that he doesn't work because of his 'debilitating illness' despite the fact that millions of americans have the exact same thing or similar and function just fine when their meds are correct doesn't enter the judge's mind apparently. So beloved pays for her ex's life essentially and tries to be both parents. Yeah, that works like 1 person trying to play all 9 positions in a baseball line up at the same time...I've never seen this done well or at all...have you? BUT I DIGRESS. Oh and did I mention the child has issues now as well because beloved has no spine when it comes to the kid....so he comes to me and says 'what would you do? who would you choose?' I said, 'oh that's easy. I'd choose me.' He was silent. "You'd...wait, did you just hear what I told you?" me: 'uh yes, and I am pretty sure the earth is still rotating on its axis.' So, sarcasm aside for a moment or none, I said 'let me clarify for you.' You, as an adult and 1/2 of this romantic/adult couple, have needs and wants, correct? HIM: 'uh yes, but...' me: 'what she heard was [she] has to choose her lover/best friend/SO or her kid. That my friend is NOT the choice. She can't be mom & dad to her child. She can be the best mom she knows to be...and that's it. No guilt, BS or drama. She is a parent, not a friend, buddy, BFF to her kid. Remember when we were kids and our parents put the fear of God in us. We know our parents loved us even on the days we really wanted to wear whatever or do whatever.' HIM: "yeah, but this is different." ME: "how? My parents divorced when Iwas 4! Hello?! I lived this....my mom chose herself many times. She took time to re-charge and have fun with her friends while we were safely at my grandparents or whatever. No harm, no foul. Your beloved's kid doesn't get "extra love" because mom loves you 'more' to attempt to...NO, it doesn't work that way. Mom feels guilty and it tears her up and she feels like she has to....the choice made by answering the following questions:

1) What do you view your current choices as? Notice I did not ask What are your choices? This is a perception question, kids.

2) Do your choices leave you feeling like you are in a better, more relaxed, more in-charge place for having made said choices?

3) Do you get hurt no matter which of your perceived choices you make?

4) Do you, in choosing either A or B, lose something that means a great deal to you? [e.g. your beloved, intimacy, part of your heart]

So all the friends basically said in one fashion or another 'ok, so if I were to "Choose me", what the [ ] do I do next?' Sarcastic self says 'Well, ya open up the nearest window, regardless of the time and shout your choice to the world! DUH!' Realistic self says 'well, that depends on your circumstances.'

So, in the case of my BFF and her BFF, I told her we need to work on a letter or e-mail to the friend in violation and explain where the bear does his business then have a ComeToJesus so we're all on the same page. Yes, for a fact, it's gonne feel like you've slapped the long term BFF but guess what, she needs it...the other option is a dunk in Boston Harbor and you'd likely have to be in HAZMAT ISO for a week so let's not....so we're working on the letter.

IN my friend with family issues, she told her fam and in-laws, in a conference call no less what she was doing and why. OK, so our barely 5' daughter has cajones after all. Bravo for her!! That friend got a verbal Hi-5! It's not easy growin' 'em but ya gotta.

Case 3. He is working thru doing what he wants to do with his life, being his own boss, with no objections from his family tho he is pretty sure he'll wake up one morning to tell me about 'this crazy dream he had'. Nope, your reality my friend is the dream and it freakin' rocks!!

Case 4. I told my friend to have this discussion with his beloved about her choosing herself, not him or her child. I also said 'hey, feel free to steer her my way. I am happy to give her the real deal. Sometimes a 3rd party gets the point across because I have only 1 agenda...you happy? Great, me too! So we'll see on cases 1 & 4 what happens.

The point though is simple. Society tells us we are self-ish if we take care of ourselves. No you're getting close to burnout. Take care of you, your needs, wants, your self. Odd how that helps you be better for everybody else. If you want more advice on how to apply it to your specific, 1st-time-in-recorded-history situation or you wanna tell me I'm full of it, feel free. I'm here all week... :p

Microsoft Office

2008-03-20T19:52:00.002-04:00

I know, I know...SUCH a deep topic! I mean, really, could I be more exciting and glam? OK, so yeah, maybe not. LOL I found the whole business suite for MO for free for 60 days, including Access and God Bless 'em, I didn't have to give my credit card #...so I can't screw up and go 'WTF is that $$$ charge doing on my card?!' It's beautiful so I am teaching myself .:) AAhhh.

On to the interview. It went fine. Black pants, black jacket, white top, black heels. It would be on a per transaction basis, part-time. That's fine. A BFF chewed me out about it saying it's the same crap I just came from. Uh, no. However, I know well that sometimes it's just best to shut up and let things be how they are. It went well. I did another test on ODesk and applied for 2 more jobs on VV. Cross your fingers. {Thanks!}

The Business of Progress

2008-03-20T01:49:00.002-04:00

Good news...1st, I have an interview Thurs at 4 to be a per transaction assistant to a realtor. Could be cool. :D
2nd, got an e-mail from a builder/contractor interested in interviewing w/me for PT position. I've forwarded references and salary req to them thus far. We'll see.
3rd, got a call from the petsitting people who took care of the kids over Christmas bc they had an opening. I hope to connect with that person tomorrow.
4th...and for me, oddly, the most exciting piece of news...I downloaded Microsoft Office 2007, which includes Access!!!!!!!!!!! as a free trial download for 60 days...I am hoping and praying that I can re-teach it to myself as I used it at Pulte and Turner and do some online virtual assisting/projects and get myself established that way. It would be a huge help.

As I told a friend of mine today, and mom this evening, I feel like after really reflecting on it, I would like to do contract work or work online and do maybe 2 or 3 part time jobs so I have more freedom. I used to be big on 'managing' this, that and the 3rd. I'm honestly not so itnerested in that at this point. I really think I want the freedom to be able to travel, enough $$ to take the trips I'm planning to take and get my bills back in line, etc., I want to get my health and my teeth figured out and I want love in my life. I want a great guy. The right great guy. I feel as if I'm moving in the correct direction.

Missing Person

2008-03-17T01:42:00.002-04:00

No no one I know is missing. I miss some of my friends. Friend 1 I had known for years, since 1989 as a matter of fact. I screwed up and then sent a note/birthday card i should not have sent. So I finally wrote her again to explain the last 16 months or so and say I was sorry because I was and am. I did something dumb. I've not heard from her. My VBFF got a Christmas card from her. God Bless her; she's a great chick and deserves nothing but the best.

Friend 2 goes back to my Boston days. One of the many but she was always extremely supportive of me, VBFF and our endeavors. We had a lot of great times. She lives on the E. Coast now and we've just recently started to re-re-acquaint.

Friend 3 is here in Raleigh and is just distant. We're close but we're not and I wish we were closer.

Friend 4 was gone for a week, the week since I've been out of work and can I just say...damn long week without Friend. I miss this person and can't wait to see them, I think I will tomorrow. It was odd having them gone. Talking only 1x during the last week. Very, very strange. I miss them terribly.

I miss parts of me as well. I think I know where they are and how to get them back...stay tuned.

Working thru it.

2008-03-17T01:35:00.002-04:00

I've done some cleaning in the house, ironed a whole 4 things...with about 20 more to go, found long lost jewelry I will never wear which I'm going to put up for sale and discovered a CD dealing with authenticity and anger and such.
I think that's Tuesday's task.

Amazing what you find when you look. Around your house or inside yourself. Never know what you'll find.

Mishmash

2008-03-14T09:50:00.004-04:00

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm pondering cookie making, working out, applying for jobs, hair coloring among other choices. I should work out so I can then color the hair, then apply for jobs online until the hair is done, finish the hair the start the cookies, continue applying for jobs, blogging, whatnot.
Pay some bills, join make-n-dollars.com. I'm reading this book, a memoir, about an Iranian woman who was in Evin as a political prisoner for 2 years. If I was in any country other than this one I am pretty sure I would also be in prison. I have a mouth and it opens. Therefore I AM. I am so blessed to live in a country that allows me to speak my mind, right or wrong, whether I agree with my government, my employer, my friends, family or anyone else for that matter. The great irony of this country, or one of them anyway, is that our military fights for us daily, to protect our right to speak out, even against them, their service and this war, the one we're winning.

1 of the things in this world that seriously gets on my nerves is people who are against something or someone and when you challenge them or ask why they're anti- they get angry with you! Be for or against whatever you choose but please, be able to back it up. For example, being in NC during the Duke Lacrosse case, I got a different, better, more rounded view of the whole situation than, I found out, did the rest of the nation. I am the 1st person to say, if someone has violated someone else sexually, lock them up. I knew very early on that something was very wrong; nothing was adding up. I spoke with my mom, my gramma and my very best friend, all in 3 different states and they were not getting the full story. At any rate, someone asked me what I thought of it and I was blunt: "I hope they punish the girl and exonerate the boys then take every single thing they can from Nifong." The look I got was 'oh, no you didn't!' with a mouth wide open. Then I got even bolder and said 'the sadder thing is that racism runs so deep in Durham and the people are so stupid that they didn't question it. A black girl said she was raped by three [presumed wealthy] white Duke students so therefore she's a helpless victim, they are guilty and that's the end of it. ' The person I was talking to was not from here. But when I asked what the thoughts behind their opinion were I was accused of being racist and then told it was not relevant because they were guilty, I'd see and how dare I not back her. Um, OK. I let it go because sometimes you're just not going to win. As it happened, they were not guilty at all, the case should have died in a folder on the DA's desk but it didn't and Duke, the city of Durham, Nifong, NC and everyone involved has a lot to live with. Funny how nobody came back to say 'I apologize for rushing to judgement of these fine young men.' Nobody who swooped into to accuse and point fingers came back to offer an apology. Nifong and Duke did, under durress. Not a single person from NCCU said a thing. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, ever infamous for getting in the middle of every perceived injustice and making it their business to demand 'justice', did not come back to Durham to say they were wrong. If you cannot back up what you're saying, you might want to think 1st because you could ruin someone's life, reputation.

Anger Management

2008-03-14T01:58:00.003-04:00

I know I have issues with it. I don't typically lash out and I'm not an abusive person. I just get teary over a lot of things that shouldn't tear a person up. I also get overly emotional about stuff I shouldn't get so much so over.

So how to deal...screaming it out, working out til my heart gives out, holding it in or better yet, work thru it 1 issue at a time....I think that's what I'll do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd3U1RtolLs Smacking someone upside the head like the penquin's doing is also a thought. 1 that makes me lmao actually. http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/6302/80858070zy3.gif

OK really I wouldn't do that but it's kinda funny to watch...so yeah I"m not angry at life or the world or anything. I don't care for democrats or tree huggers or hypocrites or people for whom slamming on their brakes is a 'turn signal' but otherwise...

It's old crap. That needs cleaned out permanently. So that's the next task.

Bad me...Vewy Bad Me!

2008-03-12T02:15:00.004-04:00

OK, so I'm not fulfilling my promise to myself to blog daily. A lot of stuff going on. Helping friends work thru issues, dealing with drama and stuff at work, now dealing with, as of Friday, not having a job. I knew it was coming and G, my boss, was surprised that I didn't freak. 1st of all, because I knew it was coming, odd as it sounds, it was a relief. I was no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. It dropped at 3:30 ish. G had a 4:30 appt in Wake Forest and D was off and B, C and D2 were gone. I knew they couldn't afford me back in December. G felt like, as he put it, 'I shouldn't be surprised.' I wasn't. Then he said 'you don't seem surprised.' I'm not. I wasn't. I teared up a bit but was OK. I picked up my deskpad, mousepad and calendar Monday and dropped off some stuff.

It is what it is. they're giving me severance pay which I appreciate. I've updated my resume and references. I'm applying wherever I can think of. Trying to be upbeat. Told mom, Nicole and Robyn thus far. I called Dad & Sean. It's funny having bill collectors call bc they call, talk, talk, talk then stop [it would be helpful if they stopped to make sure they were still talking to a person but whatever] and the 1st thing I say is 'well, that's all kinds of lovely but I lost my job Friday and I don't know what to tell ya!' They're speechless then they go to 'so you don't have any money to make your account current?' Someone give that person a gold star! Hello, if I have a place to live 4/1....I got my big girl panties on and now I'm going to deal with it.

If you got the review I got in December, you would not have been shocked either. It was cruel, scathing, meant to make me say 'screw it, I quit'. That was so not gonna happen. I knew it was a matter of time. Every day I thought 'is today the day?' I always thought 'ok, who's gonna do it? ?' There is a point after which there is no return. Their program coach had informed them back in December that they could not afford to keep me.

They have several problems, not the least of which is that they are totally incompatible personalities. Neither of them knows how to apologize for anything. Then again to them they are never wrong. Then he said that I was not a good manager at all. Well that's hard to do when you're given a task then how you do it is either 'not what they expected' or it is done wrong and you're given no guidance about doing it 'right' or you're just lectured which is useful only if you're in college and taking notes or if you're military. So yeah.

I'm hunting, applying, hunting more. I will get there. Wherever there is.

Losing

2008-01-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

Seriously, my boys won the WS! My Packers, grampa's team, lost. GO PATRIOTS!!!! Really!! It's kinda vengeful now...19-0!!! Let's DO IT!! I say this as though I have even 1 iota of control over it...The Pats gotta win b/c losing sucks....and 19-0 would totally freakin'rock!!!

My birthday

2008-01-20T01:05:00.001-05:00

Friday was my birthday. I was quasi-dreading it. If you know me you know my last few have not been fabulous...not as bad as the crack-bust birthday (21st-don't ask) but yeah....
So, the plan last year was 1) a vow to never, ever plan another b-day for self. Period. So then I wanted to, kiddingly, go to D's beforehand for drinks then to the Canes game, then to dinner then get birthday sex. I got 2 outta for and a whole lot more. Normally I don't name names here b/c it's a place to vent and opine and whatnot and sometimes I need to share the lesson but i don't want a person to be upset so I just do anonymously. Today, I'm naming names. :)

Sean & Amy got tix to the Canes game so I took Sean, Amy, Kammy and self :p We had a blast, I got my concrete, and we won 7-2! Except that I had major dizzy issues, it was great. We got a penalty shot which Eric Staal got easily. It was great really. :D

So then we went to dinner at Applebees and had a great time.

Gifts....card from gramma, $$ from dad & mom/Dave, jellybellies/candle/lotion from Kam, tix and dinner from Sean/Amy, roses from Rach, e-cards from Rach & Brenda. Lunch from Greg [boss] and Bill. Brownies that rock from Diane. B-day texts from Amy, Robyn, Rach, Karen & Vonda. VM's from mom, dad, Rach & Melanie. Card from Vonda.

This was a fabulous birthday! Thanks hugely to everybody who made me smile. Dr. appt this week for the dizzy thing so no worries there.

Happy 34th to me!! hehehe

Blurred Lines

2008-01-14T02:01:00.000-05:00

I have several in my life. Two stand out.

1) The one where my work bleeds into my life. I am vowing to have that problem done and dealt with, except for scripts & probably Sunday nights, by 2/1. [Someone hold me to this, quick! LOL]

2) I have a close friend, we'll call him. We've known each other since May 03. In May 06 he effectively broke my heart. We were involved on and off between May 03 & May 06 . Without going into details that are really no one's business, we're newly close friends again. He found me on yahoo personals. We've talked, a lot. We've 'gone there' but once. We had a great night last Saturday night and I made a statement for me. I will be dating the next person I 'go there' with. Period. I haven't a clue if that sounded like an ultimatum because it wasn't meant to be one. It ws just a statement of fact for me, about me. You want the intimacy, you gotta take all of me. He seemed to understand that. He actually was being very protective of me and whatnot and it was the first time in my life, no I'm not kidding, where I felt like that. It was very sweet. We kissed, we cuddled, we talked. I am not the leader in my relationships with guys and thusly am not calling out jack crap. We're friends. but are we more? Which rules apply? The 'friend' rules, which allow guys and gals to call each other whenever to chat, do stuff, whatever. Or the 'dating/pursuer' rules, which dictate chick [here, that would be self] not call guy. Guy must reach out to chick.

He didn't freak when I said 'no sex until I'm dating someone, be it you or someone else. The person I share me with has to want all of me, in public, in private, and the whole gamut.' I haven't a clue. The line is blurred.

Standing up

2008-01-09T02:12:00.001-05:00

I stood up for myself. I have re-acquainted myself with a close friend and we're growing closer again, I feel. I could be wrong. I digress. So when I was at friend 1's house talking to them about their situation, they said 'do you value yourself? your whole self? does your other friend value all of you?'

So I'm at other friend's home Saturday night and we are talking, cuddling and I got scared. I told him that I don't regret 'being with him' last time but I do not want to go there again til I'm dating someone. It's too important. He didn't freak or kick me out of his house. In fact I was there another 3 hours. We talked, cuddled, kissed, talked more. He was being protective of me. I scared myself standing up for me but I'm proud of me for setting that boundary, for honoring me, myself and I. It's critically important, you learn in the recovery process, to stand up for yourself, by yourself, to love, care about, respect and value yourself enough to draw lines and oboundaries and to go 'uh uh' when it's necessary. We stood up for me. :)

OUCH

2008-01-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

Nice title, right? Friday I was to have dinner w/a close friend but someone needed said friend more so I deferred plus I had alligators biting at work so no harm no foul.

1am Sat night, friend calls freaking out. I go over to friend's house and am there til 5 am. I don't think I helped but maybe I did. I do that sort of stuff for my closest friends. I drop plans for Hawaii and go to Maine for a funeral. My very closest friend's dad died. Hawaii will still be there.

So then I'm scheduled to have lunch with another close friend who texts to tell me their father in ICU with a stroke. I feel so bad. I text back it's OK, do as you need to, I'm here if you need anything. An ear, a shoulder, whatever. The thought of losing one of my parents comes to the forefront again. I'm teary because I love them both very much. That's not enough words but it'll have to do for now.

So then I take dinner to another friend and we talk and ponder and the like. The friend is recovering from a nasty form of crud that is again in NC with various strains hitting people. It's pretty...NOT!!! So we ate, watched football [yes, I wanted to watch more than they did], talked a lot.

So back to the 1st friend. One of the things in life that I admit as much for my own sanity as for any other reason is that I am damaged. I've come along way in my recovery but I'm damaged. I can relate well to damaged people and sometimes I can see when someone who is or was [usually it's 'is' but I digress] thinks they're "all better now" and they're ready to throw themselves back into whatever pool their recovery involved. In my case public places where alcohol and humans mingle. Again, I digress. So one of my beloved friends is dealing, patiently, empathetically, compassionately with another friend and helping said friend thru a very rough path [I don't have details and they're not 1st friend's to share]. The ouch comes when you are either tired of being in ouch-ville, hurting, crying, etc and you just really, really want to re-join the rest of seemingly normal society. So you decide you're ready to do so. Or not.

There's a process and sometimes, especially when it involves ourselves, as with most things, we do NOT see the forest for the trees. We actually think 'oh, I'm fine. I'm good now.' Sometimes you're supposed to relax into it. Sometimes crying it out is a good thing. It gives you one hell of a headache and is not recommended if you need to appear in public public [this doesn't include work] but it is cathartic. Sometimes taking the time to flail before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before sauntering and saunter before running is not only helpful but necessary. Sometimes we think we're ready for the world but we're not and it freaks us out so we run back to the cave/sanctuary and slam the door shut. NOT doing that again, thankyou so much! Yeah, you gotta. However, this time. Peer out first. Observe with new eyes from the 'this is what I think I want to do but I'm not sure yet so let's watch' POV. I will throw self out as an example. Long story short I went thru something rough then decided that just 'getting some' would make me feel better, fix the situation because I'd be 'normal' whatnot. Uh, not so much. It actually pushed me about 6 months back. Fastforward to the 'Ouch'. We get hurt trying to help because part of being a friend involves putting yourself out there. Being a close, great, personal friend involves putting yourself out there and sometimes it tears you apart. It hurts like hell. But like all things, we recover. Sometimes you have to step back, let it air dry, not say or do anything. It will heal, in its own time, its own way. In the meantime, we bear the burden of 'ouch'.

When in Rome....

2008-01-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

I was discussing immigration with a friend of mine and my belief that we should call a spade a spade and call out the fact that English is the official language of the U.S. She 1st says I'm racist, then that I'm prejudice, then that I should be more inclusive in my thought process because 'we white people aren't the majority anymore!' Fortunately for me, I remembered a recent trip she had taken overseas. So I said, 'Remember when you went overseas?'

She: "Yeah, what about it?"

Self: "Where did you go?" (I knew where she went but I needed her to say it.)

She: "Duh, Germany, France, Switzerland and Italy!"

Self: "So when you went there, did you demand or expect Germans, French people, the Swiss or Italians to speak English?"

She: "Of course not! How rude! I mean really!!"

Self: "So then why is it OK for people to come here and demand that WE speak THEIR language, as opposed to English?"

She didn't know what to say. So I said it for her. We are not racist, rude, obnoxious, uncaring people because we ask that when you are in Rome, or in this case the US, you do and the Romans, speak as the Romans do..or in our case do and speak as Americans do. Our forefathers had to. When I have to repeat, suh-lowly and cuh-learly 4 [yes, 4!!] and no I'm not kidding, times that "I want to buy 4 chocolate chip cookies" before the girl gets it...then she gets mad at me....uh no!

Stop and think about this in a more practical sense if you will. We have our driver license tests in NC in Spanish. Lovely. How nice. And compassionate. They're not forced to adapt. People, what language are all of our street signs in? Thank you, I rest my case.

Caucuses

2008-01-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

One word. Ick! That's weird because I'm the wonk. So you're thinking, if you know me, why 'ick'? Obama's too politically young and idealistic to really make change, HRC got some seriously knocked off her throne...[Ms. "I'm all about change"/"I have the experience [that I create when it suits my purpose but please don't go fact check it or I'm screwed...just go with the momentum...] to lead!"] At one point even I, knowing their history, DC politics, the FOB & H kingdom and the DNC, pretty much thought it was hers for the taking. It's clearly not. What is funny though is that Kucinich still thinks he has a chance (that would be the came chance of icicles in Miami but I digress) and that people like him. Odd fact: if HRC doesn't get the nod/win it she won't run again. There is no one they could put up that I can't pull all kinds of crap up on. Did it for other people and I love the media where you can pull soundbites, total scripts, all of it. She's either new and all about change or she's another 4 years of Billery. Pick one. IA proved she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Obama needs to be real careful b/c the scary truth about him and his lack of experience will out too! Give it time. Billery's gonna be in attack mode soon enough and everybody needs to duck b/c it's not pretty.

On to the GOP. I know, I should be 'woo-wooing'. Except I'm not. I worked for Romney when I lived in MA and honestly he is a good guy. I like Guiliani too. I DO NOT like Ron Paul, as he is a RINO which is just annoying. Huckabee and McCain are on my hitlist too. I respect McCain for his military service and so on but I'm not about amnesty and this anti-waterboarding crap [because it's torture even if it has saved us from attacks that make 9/11 pale in comparison] is for the birds too. Huckabee is a GOP version of Carter. Holding hands and beltin' out Kumbayah does not fix a thing. Witness the Carter and Clinton admins. Thompson I don't know enough about to really dig in and judge but frankly he doesn't seem like he actually cares. You gotta want it! Seriously. But then I'm also not getting involved until I must, except for blogging about it, because the spin/crap/drama is just noise. Americans have the memories of gnats. The good, ugly, blood sport stuff will come later and there will be a lot of it. I can wait.

Old Habits...and Other Thoughts

2008-01-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

So I'm at work yesterday and my boss tells me that we're listing this new house and he would really like to get it into the system [viewable by realtors] for the weekend. Can I do this? Hello, this is a 'yes' or 'of course' only. 'No' is not optional here. So then I tell my beloved co-worker, I really do adore her btw, that I am trying to have this be my last weekend of taking crap home with me, etc. The person I was to have dinner w/cancelled on me but for a very good, important reason so yeah, that old habit thing....having lunch w/a good friend tomorrow then making dinner for a sick friend, another recent reconnection. Thusly moving in the right direction. No church this w/e as our bishop is speaking and frankly the $$ thing is my least fave part of being Catholic but that's another day. So that vow to go back to church goes to next weekend unless I go see my coastal bff in which case..my birthday weekend...

I've inquired about new jobs and have interviews, and making efforts to re-connect with people, looking for volunteers opps and ways to meet more new people...old habits die hard but seriously I'm trying. Leader of the pack by default!

Resolute Follow Up

2008-01-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

I am quickly finding out that old habits are hard to break....I napped earlier so after I shower I'm going get some stuff done 'ahead' of tomorrow. Oh boy....None of this is new news...I'm working on getting my ducks in their row...full weekend ahead. It is SO cold. I'm over it. Everybody's having issues and I'm trying to nav them all thru their issues. LMAO We'll get there and we're a whole 3 days, nearly 4, into 08. Eesh!

Day 1 of 2008

2008-01-01T20:51:00.000-05:00

Hehe. I slept longer than I wanted to but das OK. It's a day off. I haven't done a single work-related thing today tho I will after dinner & shower. :P

I'm going to try to do this or journal in private every day. We'll see how that goes. I just am trying from day 1 to go 1 step at a time, to change how I think, how I do. Following one of my favorite sayings "if you always do what you've always done, you're always going to get what you've always got." I can't expect change unless I change how I think, do and allocate my time and energy.

I worked out, talked to a friend w/whom I'm working on re-building a friendship, e-mailed a few people, texted 1 person, returned some stuff, made a phone call, watched parts of multiple bowl games, talked to Dad & Donna briefly and brought my plants in. :p

So far, so good. I am trying to when I start hearing the familiar in my head to say 'um, back up. That is the old way. New year, new thinking, new, better actions.' That means that time will expand for me but I 1st need to say 'what do you want to volunteer to do? really?'

Then we have my resolutions. The friend I refered to earlier asked about my resolutions for 08. I'll talk about that later...going to go shower & make dinner. Worked out for the 1st time in a week and yeah....I'll feel it tomorrow.

For now, this is it. me :)

Tragedy and it's victims.

2008-01-01T00:41:00.000-05:00

I ran across a news article about a drunk driver whose BAC was .254 when he was driving north-bound on a south-bound interstate and side-swiped a mini-van, killing a mom & 4 kids. 3 other people went to the hospital with critical injuries and the jackass who caused it all is nearly unscathed. Why? Why does this happen? Why does God let them live almost every time? I mean, I just do not get it. Seriously. It's one of those unknowns and nobody has the answer but it just gets me that you're minding your own, doing your thing one moment and then your world is literally torn apart, loved ones killed. There is no 'sorry' that can fix it. I just don't understand.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319165,00.html

Too good to be True

2007-12-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

So I'm having this discussion with a close friend of mine who, as it happens, is a great guy any girl would be blessed to call her man. I wish there was chemistry b/c that's how much he rocks. Alas, no chemistry. So we're close friends. So we're having this discussion about why he's single and why I'm single. We are not your typical male & female specimens. We are, in essence, 'too good to be true' for the opposite sex. What do I mean, you ask?

Well, society says women should be catty, back-stabbing, vain, sports-hating, sexually ambivalent creatures who say one thing, mean another and love to shop, among other things. We've gotten to where there are more and more single women waiting longer and longer to get married, not settling or getting married just so they can get divorced. However, very few are like me. So what's so special about me you ask? I am unique in that I am not a shopper....at all . I like Christmas shopping but in small doses. I go shopping when the urge strikes...as it did a few weeks back. I literally put down what I was doing, grabbed my wristlet [smallest purse EVER!] and keys and off Sophie & I went to the mall to NY & Co. We shopped. We liked it. That is beyond rare. Maybe once a year that happens. I go when I MUST. For example, working out has lifted my butt which changes how my pants fit and thusly I needed some new pants. No, I would rather sit thru 6 hours of pre-baseball, more pre-baseball and then baseball and repeat that several days per week for about 2 months! That makes me happy. Putting my own windshield washer fluid in Sophie makes me happy. I won't ever ask my man [when I have own] to get up during a game because I won't get up unless I gotta pee. And let me tell you, TMI as it may be, I am 1 of the fastest pee-ers on earth. I get pissy when I miss a pitch or a hit or an out or anything. I am a 5 sport girl. I am also honest and forthright. I love when chick mags talk about 'what she means vs. what she says' and then it says in parentheses 'show this to your man'. My hypothetical man doesn't need to see that because if I say 'have a great time, go on with your bad self.' that is what I mean. I'm not mad and there won't be a talk later. I yell at the TV and that list goes on. I actually [gasp!] love sex. I like my body. It's not perfect but I like me. I don't feel the need to criticize myself, my body or anyone else or their selves either. Oh and I hate, hate, hate drama! Loathe it. When it's around me I'm not a happy girl b/c I try to lead a drama free existence. That doesn't work but it's closer to none than 'let's go see if we can create some drama!' Drama is for TVs and remotes shut it off! And yes, if you know me, you know that this is me, for realsies...there is no other shoe waiting to drop. The controlling bitch isn't coming out b/c she doesn't exist in me. I am simply me and she rocks but a lot of people think she is too good to be true. Which brings me to my close guy friend.

He is a sports fan as well. He is one of those people who is a people magnet. If he is your friend, he'll do anything for you. He's honest, blunt, strong and real. He is not a jerk or an ass, he isn't looking to get some and he's not a player. He likes making people happy and he is great at it. He is chivalrous, smart, funny, honest, great character. He's also good looking. Not in that, celebrity hottie way but in that classic good looks kinda way. Probably makes no sense, huh? He is protective but he is also great at promoting causes, things and people. :) He is also trustworthy. He wants to settle down, get married, have a family and the 2.4 kids. When someone figures out how you have 'point anything of a kid' please share. Thanks. Digressing, so we are talking about this whole 'why are we really great peoplewho are single when the prissy, stuck up drama-mama bitches and asshole player men all have people. Or at least it would appear as such.

I said, 'we both have the same problem.' We are too good to be true. We are in fact great, funny, smart, fab people who would make fantastic, very real partners. The hard part is that people don't trust stuff outside the status quo. Admittedly, for the most part if it's advertised it probably is too good to be true. [but wait there's more.....] You can do 2 minutes of exercise per day and lose 20 # in 2 weeks. Sure, yeah right....and snow sticks in NC! However at a certain point, you gotta let go and have faith that God will take care of you if you just ask for it and you have to re-build faith in yourself and give it a shot. There would be nothing west of the Mississippi were people not brave and adventurous. I told him we will both find our persons in 2008. Do I know this for sure? No. I just have faith in it. I believe it. [Everybody laughed when I said the Red Sox had to win the World Series because I needed my hoodie...I'm wearing my hoodie.] Bottom line: we aren't too good to be true. We're just different and different is hard to trust in our world in 2008.

New Years Eve Time to Reflect

2007-12-31T21:09:00.000-05:00

So in my oh-so-glam life, it's NYE yet again. This will be the last one I spend by myself. Then again it's only 10 after 9 so several people I know could decide to be spontaneous closer to midnite. Something struck me as interesting the other night. OK, it was more like "huh?" I went out with some good friends to an event Friday night and when I asked 'is anyone planning anything for NYE?' the answer I got back was 'it's all about having someone to kiss at midnite and when you haven't got someone special it's depressing.' OK, well then. I've always looked at NYE as 3 basic things. 1) A chance to reflect on the past year [for this last year that would be a LONG entry], 2) a chance to plan to better oneself in the upcoming year [something I'm really, honestly looking forward to this year] and 3) it's 18 days til my birthday!! [Another reason I try to just deal with winter. UGH. However, I digress!

SO I ran across a theory earlier this year that you don't repeat an experience if you learn from it and recognize the lesson. God decides you have learn the lesson and on you move. I like that theory and God knows I've learned a lot this year.

So, the bad things. Not making the $$ with the job I'm in that I need to be making. Not having insurance. The ring drama. The subsequent bank crap. Seeing one of my once-closest friends in a not-so-pretty light. Kicking Robert to the curb. Going without sex. Not volunteering or going to church as intended. Not working on finding a boyfriend/permanent man for myself. Sophie getting crunched a smidge. [Sophie is my car & she's fine save for a few scrapes that you only see if you're really, really close to her.] The hottie bartender saga-D's is closed, thankfully so that drama crap is permanently over.

OK, now for the GOOD things!! I have a job I love in an industry that's addictive. Again, that whole not great $$, no insurance thing. Again, I digress. I have a beautiful apartment, my garden, in spite of NC's 15" range shortage, rocked it. 1/2 of it is still kicking on 12/31. We've not had a hard freeze but the plants will be inside when that happens. :) More good stuff...going to Canes games, finding meetups [thanks BFF Vonda!!] and subsequently the Red Sox meet up group, sitting thru HOW many hours of Joe "I love to listen to myself talk" Buck commentate prior to an 8:30 or whenever the hell we feel like starting the game...WINNING THE WORLD SERIES!! [I got my hoodie, I got my hoodie!!! Yeah, Yeah!!], meeting Sean, Amy and the rest of the great fantastic fans I now count as great friends, working with Diane, having my fabulous Sophie, my two dats in relatively good health, going to church more, a summer that went on and on and on...LOVE THAT!!, going to DC for TG, spending Christmas with Dad, etal in Maine, signing up for eharmony, knowing my friends, working out more, trying to kick CFS's butt [I'm not doing so hot at that but darned if won't keep on trying!] and so on.

So no, it is NOT about kissing someone at midnite, though that so WILL be happening next year! It's about renewal, starting again, reflecting, taking the wheat from the chaff [sp?] and moving on, hopefully a stronger, better person for all of it. Happy New Year!!!