Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Losing
Seriously, my boys won the WS! My Packers, grampa's team, lost. GO PATRIOTS!!!! Really!! It's kinda vengeful now...19-0!!! Let's DO IT!! I say this as though I have even 1 iota of control over it...The Pats gotta win b/c losing sucks....and 19-0 would totally freakin'rock!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
My birthday
Friday was my birthday. I was quasi-dreading it. If you know me you know my last few have not been fabulous...not as bad as the crack-bust birthday (21st-don't ask) but yeah....
So, the plan last year was 1) a vow to never, ever plan another b-day for self. Period. So then I wanted to, kiddingly, go to D's beforehand for drinks then to the Canes game, then to dinner then get birthday sex. I got 2 outta for and a whole lot more. Normally I don't name names here b/c it's a place to vent and opine and whatnot and sometimes I need to share the lesson but i don't want a person to be upset so I just do anonymously. Today, I'm naming names. :)
Sean & Amy got tix to the Canes game so I took Sean, Amy, Kammy and self :p We had a blast, I got my concrete, and we won 7-2! Except that I had major dizzy issues, it was great. We got a penalty shot which Eric Staal got easily. It was great really. :D
So then we went to dinner at Applebees and had a great time.
Gifts....card from gramma, $$ from dad & mom/Dave, jellybellies/candle/lotion from Kam, tix and dinner from Sean/Amy, roses from Rach, e-cards from Rach & Brenda. Lunch from Greg [boss] and Bill. Brownies that rock from Diane. B-day texts from Amy, Robyn, Rach, Karen & Vonda. VM's from mom, dad, Rach & Melanie. Card from Vonda.
This was a fabulous birthday! Thanks hugely to everybody who made me smile. Dr. appt this week for the dizzy thing so no worries there.
Happy 34th to me!! hehehe
So, the plan last year was 1) a vow to never, ever plan another b-day for self. Period. So then I wanted to, kiddingly, go to D's beforehand for drinks then to the Canes game, then to dinner then get birthday sex. I got 2 outta for and a whole lot more. Normally I don't name names here b/c it's a place to vent and opine and whatnot and sometimes I need to share the lesson but i don't want a person to be upset so I just do anonymously. Today, I'm naming names. :)
Sean & Amy got tix to the Canes game so I took Sean, Amy, Kammy and self :p We had a blast, I got my concrete, and we won 7-2! Except that I had major dizzy issues, it was great. We got a penalty shot which Eric Staal got easily. It was great really. :D
So then we went to dinner at Applebees and had a great time.
Gifts....card from gramma, $$ from dad & mom/Dave, jellybellies/candle/lotion from Kam, tix and dinner from Sean/Amy, roses from Rach, e-cards from Rach & Brenda. Lunch from Greg [boss] and Bill. Brownies that rock from Diane. B-day texts from Amy, Robyn, Rach, Karen & Vonda. VM's from mom, dad, Rach & Melanie. Card from Vonda.
This was a fabulous birthday! Thanks hugely to everybody who made me smile. Dr. appt this week for the dizzy thing so no worries there.
Happy 34th to me!! hehehe
Monday, January 14, 2008
Blurred Lines
I have several in my life. Two stand out.
1) The one where my work bleeds into my life. I am vowing to have that problem done and dealt with, except for scripts & probably Sunday nights, by 2/1. [Someone hold me to this, quick! LOL]
2) I have a close friend, we'll call him. We've known each other since May 03. In May 06 he effectively broke my heart. We were involved on and off between May 03 & May 06 . Without going into details that are really no one's business, we're newly close friends again. He found me on yahoo personals. We've talked, a lot. We've 'gone there' but once. We had a great night last Saturday night and I made a statement for me. I will be dating the next person I 'go there' with. Period. I haven't a clue if that sounded like an ultimatum because it wasn't meant to be one. It ws just a statement of fact for me, about me. You want the intimacy, you gotta take all of me. He seemed to understand that. He actually was being very protective of me and whatnot and it was the first time in my life, no I'm not kidding, where I felt like that. It was very sweet. We kissed, we cuddled, we talked. I am not the leader in my relationships with guys and thusly am not calling out jack crap. We're friends. but are we more? Which rules apply? The 'friend' rules, which allow guys and gals to call each other whenever to chat, do stuff, whatever. Or the 'dating/pursuer' rules, which dictate chick [here, that would be self] not call guy. Guy must reach out to chick.
He didn't freak when I said 'no sex until I'm dating someone, be it you or someone else. The person I share me with has to want all of me, in public, in private, and the whole gamut.' I haven't a clue. The line is blurred.
1) The one where my work bleeds into my life. I am vowing to have that problem done and dealt with, except for scripts & probably Sunday nights, by 2/1. [Someone hold me to this, quick! LOL]
2) I have a close friend, we'll call him. We've known each other since May 03. In May 06 he effectively broke my heart. We were involved on and off between May 03 & May 06 . Without going into details that are really no one's business, we're newly close friends again. He found me on yahoo personals. We've talked, a lot. We've 'gone there' but once. We had a great night last Saturday night and I made a statement for me. I will be dating the next person I 'go there' with. Period. I haven't a clue if that sounded like an ultimatum because it wasn't meant to be one. It ws just a statement of fact for me, about me. You want the intimacy, you gotta take all of me. He seemed to understand that. He actually was being very protective of me and whatnot and it was the first time in my life, no I'm not kidding, where I felt like that. It was very sweet. We kissed, we cuddled, we talked. I am not the leader in my relationships with guys and thusly am not calling out jack crap. We're friends. but are we more? Which rules apply? The 'friend' rules, which allow guys and gals to call each other whenever to chat, do stuff, whatever. Or the 'dating/pursuer' rules, which dictate chick [here, that would be self] not call guy. Guy must reach out to chick.
He didn't freak when I said 'no sex until I'm dating someone, be it you or someone else. The person I share me with has to want all of me, in public, in private, and the whole gamut.' I haven't a clue. The line is blurred.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Standing up
I stood up for myself. I have re-acquainted myself with a close friend and we're growing closer again, I feel. I could be wrong. I digress. So when I was at friend 1's house talking to them about their situation, they said 'do you value yourself? your whole self? does your other friend value all of you?'
So I'm at other friend's home Saturday night and we are talking, cuddling and I got scared. I told him that I don't regret 'being with him' last time but I do not want to go there again til I'm dating someone. It's too important. He didn't freak or kick me out of his house. In fact I was there another 3 hours. We talked, cuddled, kissed, talked more. He was being protective of me. I scared myself standing up for me but I'm proud of me for setting that boundary, for honoring me, myself and I. It's critically important, you learn in the recovery process, to stand up for yourself, by yourself, to love, care about, respect and value yourself enough to draw lines and oboundaries and to go 'uh uh' when it's necessary. We stood up for me. :)
So I'm at other friend's home Saturday night and we are talking, cuddling and I got scared. I told him that I don't regret 'being with him' last time but I do not want to go there again til I'm dating someone. It's too important. He didn't freak or kick me out of his house. In fact I was there another 3 hours. We talked, cuddled, kissed, talked more. He was being protective of me. I scared myself standing up for me but I'm proud of me for setting that boundary, for honoring me, myself and I. It's critically important, you learn in the recovery process, to stand up for yourself, by yourself, to love, care about, respect and value yourself enough to draw lines and oboundaries and to go 'uh uh' when it's necessary. We stood up for me. :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
OUCH
Nice title, right? Friday I was to have dinner w/a close friend but someone needed said friend more so I deferred plus I had alligators biting at work so no harm no foul.
1am Sat night, friend calls freaking out. I go over to friend's house and am there til 5 am. I don't think I helped but maybe I did. I do that sort of stuff for my closest friends. I drop plans for Hawaii and go to Maine for a funeral. My very closest friend's dad died. Hawaii will still be there.
So then I'm scheduled to have lunch with another close friend who texts to tell me their father in ICU with a stroke. I feel so bad. I text back it's OK, do as you need to, I'm here if you need anything. An ear, a shoulder, whatever. The thought of losing one of my parents comes to the forefront again. I'm teary because I love them both very much. That's not enough words but it'll have to do for now.
So then I take dinner to another friend and we talk and ponder and the like. The friend is recovering from a nasty form of crud that is again in NC with various strains hitting people. It's pretty...NOT!!! So we ate, watched football [yes, I wanted to watch more than they did], talked a lot.
So back to the 1st friend. One of the things in life that I admit as much for my own sanity as for any other reason is that I am damaged. I've come along way in my recovery but I'm damaged. I can relate well to damaged people and sometimes I can see when someone who is or was [usually it's 'is' but I digress] thinks they're "all better now" and they're ready to throw themselves back into whatever pool their recovery involved. In my case public places where alcohol and humans mingle. Again, I digress. So one of my beloved friends is dealing, patiently, empathetically, compassionately with another friend and helping said friend thru a very rough path [I don't have details and they're not 1st friend's to share]. The ouch comes when you are either tired of being in ouch-ville, hurting, crying, etc and you just really, really want to re-join the rest of seemingly normal society. So you decide you're ready to do so. Or not.
There's a process and sometimes, especially when it involves ourselves, as with most things, we do NOT see the forest for the trees. We actually think 'oh, I'm fine. I'm good now.' Sometimes you're supposed to relax into it. Sometimes crying it out is a good thing. It gives you one hell of a headache and is not recommended if you need to appear in public public [this doesn't include work] but it is cathartic. Sometimes taking the time to flail before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before sauntering and saunter before running is not only helpful but necessary. Sometimes we think we're ready for the world but we're not and it freaks us out so we run back to the cave/sanctuary and slam the door shut. NOT doing that again, thankyou so much! Yeah, you gotta. However, this time. Peer out first. Observe with new eyes from the 'this is what I think I want to do but I'm not sure yet so let's watch' POV. I will throw self out as an example. Long story short I went thru something rough then decided that just 'getting some' would make me feel better, fix the situation because I'd be 'normal' whatnot. Uh, not so much. It actually pushed me about 6 months back. Fastforward to the 'Ouch'. We get hurt trying to help because part of being a friend involves putting yourself out there. Being a close, great, personal friend involves putting yourself out there and sometimes it tears you apart. It hurts like hell. But like all things, we recover. Sometimes you have to step back, let it air dry, not say or do anything. It will heal, in its own time, its own way. In the meantime, we bear the burden of 'ouch'.
1am Sat night, friend calls freaking out. I go over to friend's house and am there til 5 am. I don't think I helped but maybe I did. I do that sort of stuff for my closest friends. I drop plans for Hawaii and go to Maine for a funeral. My very closest friend's dad died. Hawaii will still be there.
So then I'm scheduled to have lunch with another close friend who texts to tell me their father in ICU with a stroke. I feel so bad. I text back it's OK, do as you need to, I'm here if you need anything. An ear, a shoulder, whatever. The thought of losing one of my parents comes to the forefront again. I'm teary because I love them both very much. That's not enough words but it'll have to do for now.
So then I take dinner to another friend and we talk and ponder and the like. The friend is recovering from a nasty form of crud that is again in NC with various strains hitting people. It's pretty...NOT!!! So we ate, watched football [yes, I wanted to watch more than they did], talked a lot.
So back to the 1st friend. One of the things in life that I admit as much for my own sanity as for any other reason is that I am damaged. I've come along way in my recovery but I'm damaged. I can relate well to damaged people and sometimes I can see when someone who is or was [usually it's 'is' but I digress] thinks they're "all better now" and they're ready to throw themselves back into whatever pool their recovery involved. In my case public places where alcohol and humans mingle. Again, I digress. So one of my beloved friends is dealing, patiently, empathetically, compassionately with another friend and helping said friend thru a very rough path [I don't have details and they're not 1st friend's to share]. The ouch comes when you are either tired of being in ouch-ville, hurting, crying, etc and you just really, really want to re-join the rest of seemingly normal society. So you decide you're ready to do so. Or not.
There's a process and sometimes, especially when it involves ourselves, as with most things, we do NOT see the forest for the trees. We actually think 'oh, I'm fine. I'm good now.' Sometimes you're supposed to relax into it. Sometimes crying it out is a good thing. It gives you one hell of a headache and is not recommended if you need to appear in public public [this doesn't include work] but it is cathartic. Sometimes taking the time to flail before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before sauntering and saunter before running is not only helpful but necessary. Sometimes we think we're ready for the world but we're not and it freaks us out so we run back to the cave/sanctuary and slam the door shut. NOT doing that again, thankyou so much! Yeah, you gotta. However, this time. Peer out first. Observe with new eyes from the 'this is what I think I want to do but I'm not sure yet so let's watch' POV. I will throw self out as an example. Long story short I went thru something rough then decided that just 'getting some' would make me feel better, fix the situation because I'd be 'normal' whatnot. Uh, not so much. It actually pushed me about 6 months back. Fastforward to the 'Ouch'. We get hurt trying to help because part of being a friend involves putting yourself out there. Being a close, great, personal friend involves putting yourself out there and sometimes it tears you apart. It hurts like hell. But like all things, we recover. Sometimes you have to step back, let it air dry, not say or do anything. It will heal, in its own time, its own way. In the meantime, we bear the burden of 'ouch'.
Friday, January 4, 2008
When in Rome....
I was discussing immigration with a friend of mine and my belief that we should call a spade a spade and call out the fact that English is the official language of the U.S. She 1st says I'm racist, then that I'm prejudice, then that I should be more inclusive in my thought process because 'we white people aren't the majority anymore!' Fortunately for me, I remembered a recent trip she had taken overseas. So I said, 'Remember when you went overseas?'
She: "Yeah, what about it?"
Self: "Where did you go?" (I knew where she went but I needed her to say it.)
She: "Duh, Germany, France, Switzerland and Italy!"
Self: "So when you went there, did you demand or expect Germans, French people, the Swiss or Italians to speak English?"
She: "Of course not! How rude! I mean really!!"
Self: "So then why is it OK for people to come here and demand that WE speak THEIR language, as opposed to English?"
She didn't know what to say. So I said it for her. We are not racist, rude, obnoxious, uncaring people because we ask that when you are in Rome, or in this case the US, you do and the Romans, speak as the Romans do..or in our case do and speak as Americans do. Our forefathers had to. When I have to repeat, suh-lowly and cuh-learly 4 [yes, 4!!] and no I'm not kidding, times that "I want to buy 4 chocolate chip cookies" before the girl gets it...then she gets mad at me....uh no!
Stop and think about this in a more practical sense if you will. We have our driver license tests in NC in Spanish. Lovely. How nice. And compassionate. They're not forced to adapt. People, what language are all of our street signs in? Thank you, I rest my case.
She: "Yeah, what about it?"
Self: "Where did you go?" (I knew where she went but I needed her to say it.)
She: "Duh, Germany, France, Switzerland and Italy!"
Self: "So when you went there, did you demand or expect Germans, French people, the Swiss or Italians to speak English?"
She: "Of course not! How rude! I mean really!!"
Self: "So then why is it OK for people to come here and demand that WE speak THEIR language, as opposed to English?"
She didn't know what to say. So I said it for her. We are not racist, rude, obnoxious, uncaring people because we ask that when you are in Rome, or in this case the US, you do and the Romans, speak as the Romans do..or in our case do and speak as Americans do. Our forefathers had to. When I have to repeat, suh-lowly and cuh-learly 4 [yes, 4!!] and no I'm not kidding, times that "I want to buy 4 chocolate chip cookies" before the girl gets it...then she gets mad at me....uh no!
Stop and think about this in a more practical sense if you will. We have our driver license tests in NC in Spanish. Lovely. How nice. And compassionate. They're not forced to adapt. People, what language are all of our street signs in? Thank you, I rest my case.
Caucuses
One word. Ick! That's weird because I'm the wonk. So you're thinking, if you know me, why 'ick'? Obama's too politically young and idealistic to really make change, HRC got some seriously knocked off her throne...[Ms. "I'm all about change"/"I have the experience [that I create when it suits my purpose but please don't go fact check it or I'm screwed...just go with the momentum...] to lead!"] At one point even I, knowing their history, DC politics, the FOB & H kingdom and the DNC, pretty much thought it was hers for the taking. It's clearly not. What is funny though is that Kucinich still thinks he has a chance (that would be the came chance of icicles in Miami but I digress) and that people like him. Odd fact: if HRC doesn't get the nod/win it she won't run again. There is no one they could put up that I can't pull all kinds of crap up on. Did it for other people and I love the media where you can pull soundbites, total scripts, all of it. She's either new and all about change or she's another 4 years of Billery. Pick one. IA proved she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Obama needs to be real careful b/c the scary truth about him and his lack of experience will out too! Give it time. Billery's gonna be in attack mode soon enough and everybody needs to duck b/c it's not pretty.
On to the GOP. I know, I should be 'woo-wooing'. Except I'm not. I worked for Romney when I lived in MA and honestly he is a good guy. I like Guiliani too. I DO NOT like Ron Paul, as he is a RINO which is just annoying. Huckabee and McCain are on my hitlist too. I respect McCain for his military service and so on but I'm not about amnesty and this anti-waterboarding crap [because it's torture even if it has saved us from attacks that make 9/11 pale in comparison] is for the birds too. Huckabee is a GOP version of Carter. Holding hands and beltin' out Kumbayah does not fix a thing. Witness the Carter and Clinton admins. Thompson I don't know enough about to really dig in and judge but frankly he doesn't seem like he actually cares. You gotta want it! Seriously. But then I'm also not getting involved until I must, except for blogging about it, because the spin/crap/drama is just noise. Americans have the memories of gnats. The good, ugly, blood sport stuff will come later and there will be a lot of it. I can wait.
On to the GOP. I know, I should be 'woo-wooing'. Except I'm not. I worked for Romney when I lived in MA and honestly he is a good guy. I like Guiliani too. I DO NOT like Ron Paul, as he is a RINO which is just annoying. Huckabee and McCain are on my hitlist too. I respect McCain for his military service and so on but I'm not about amnesty and this anti-waterboarding crap [because it's torture even if it has saved us from attacks that make 9/11 pale in comparison] is for the birds too. Huckabee is a GOP version of Carter. Holding hands and beltin' out Kumbayah does not fix a thing. Witness the Carter and Clinton admins. Thompson I don't know enough about to really dig in and judge but frankly he doesn't seem like he actually cares. You gotta want it! Seriously. But then I'm also not getting involved until I must, except for blogging about it, because the spin/crap/drama is just noise. Americans have the memories of gnats. The good, ugly, blood sport stuff will come later and there will be a lot of it. I can wait.
Old Habits...and Other Thoughts
So I'm at work yesterday and my boss tells me that we're listing this new house and he would really like to get it into the system [viewable by realtors] for the weekend. Can I do this? Hello, this is a 'yes' or 'of course' only. 'No' is not optional here. So then I tell my beloved co-worker, I really do adore her btw, that I am trying to have this be my last weekend of taking crap home with me, etc. The person I was to have dinner w/cancelled on me but for a very good, important reason so yeah, that old habit thing....having lunch w/a good friend tomorrow then making dinner for a sick friend, another recent reconnection. Thusly moving in the right direction. No church this w/e as our bishop is speaking and frankly the $$ thing is my least fave part of being Catholic but that's another day. So that vow to go back to church goes to next weekend unless I go see my coastal bff in which case..my birthday weekend...
I've inquired about new jobs and have interviews, and making efforts to re-connect with people, looking for volunteers opps and ways to meet more new people...old habits die hard but seriously I'm trying. Leader of the pack by default!
I've inquired about new jobs and have interviews, and making efforts to re-connect with people, looking for volunteers opps and ways to meet more new people...old habits die hard but seriously I'm trying. Leader of the pack by default!
Resolute Follow Up
I am quickly finding out that old habits are hard to break....I napped earlier so after I shower I'm going get some stuff done 'ahead' of tomorrow. Oh boy....None of this is new news...I'm working on getting my ducks in their row...full weekend ahead. It is SO cold. I'm over it. Everybody's having issues and I'm trying to nav them all thru their issues. LMAO We'll get there and we're a whole 3 days, nearly 4, into 08. Eesh!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Day 1 of 2008
Hehe. I slept longer than I wanted to but das OK. It's a day off. I haven't done a single work-related thing today tho I will after dinner & shower. :P
I'm going to try to do this or journal in private every day. We'll see how that goes. I just am trying from day 1 to go 1 step at a time, to change how I think, how I do. Following one of my favorite sayings "if you always do what you've always done, you're always going to get what you've always got." I can't expect change unless I change how I think, do and allocate my time and energy.
I worked out, talked to a friend w/whom I'm working on re-building a friendship, e-mailed a few people, texted 1 person, returned some stuff, made a phone call, watched parts of multiple bowl games, talked to Dad & Donna briefly and brought my plants in. :p
So far, so good. I am trying to when I start hearing the familiar in my head to say 'um, back up. That is the old way. New year, new thinking, new, better actions.' That means that time will expand for me but I 1st need to say 'what do you want to volunteer to do? really?'
Then we have my resolutions. The friend I refered to earlier asked about my resolutions for 08. I'll talk about that later...going to go shower & make dinner. Worked out for the 1st time in a week and yeah....I'll feel it tomorrow.
For now, this is it. me :)
I'm going to try to do this or journal in private every day. We'll see how that goes. I just am trying from day 1 to go 1 step at a time, to change how I think, how I do. Following one of my favorite sayings "if you always do what you've always done, you're always going to get what you've always got." I can't expect change unless I change how I think, do and allocate my time and energy.
I worked out, talked to a friend w/whom I'm working on re-building a friendship, e-mailed a few people, texted 1 person, returned some stuff, made a phone call, watched parts of multiple bowl games, talked to Dad & Donna briefly and brought my plants in. :p
So far, so good. I am trying to when I start hearing the familiar in my head to say 'um, back up. That is the old way. New year, new thinking, new, better actions.' That means that time will expand for me but I 1st need to say 'what do you want to volunteer to do? really?'
Then we have my resolutions. The friend I refered to earlier asked about my resolutions for 08. I'll talk about that later...going to go shower & make dinner. Worked out for the 1st time in a week and yeah....I'll feel it tomorrow.
For now, this is it. me :)
Tragedy and it's victims.
I ran across a news article about a drunk driver whose BAC was .254 when he was driving north-bound on a south-bound interstate and side-swiped a mini-van, killing a mom & 4 kids. 3 other people went to the hospital with critical injuries and the jackass who caused it all is nearly unscathed. Why? Why does this happen? Why does God let them live almost every time? I mean, I just do not get it. Seriously. It's one of those unknowns and nobody has the answer but it just gets me that you're minding your own, doing your thing one moment and then your world is literally torn apart, loved ones killed. There is no 'sorry' that can fix it. I just don't understand.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319165,00.html
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319165,00.html
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